Relationship Status: Just asked the bag of Doritos laying in bed next to me if they had enough room
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[someone kicks a dumpster out of anger]
ME (from inside): Who is it?
I don’t know why friends and family keep getting pregnant when I have two kids right here they can have.
What?!?
[Date]
Her: Any hobbies?
Me: Monging mostly.
Her: Huh?
Me: I’m a monger
Her: Huh?
Me: Iron, fish, war… You name it — I’ll monger it
“If ya wanna go and take a ride with me / wear your seatbelt” – Nervous Nelly
You can abandon any ideas of serving me with papers, sir, for as long as my foot remains in this toilet, I am only subject to Maritime Law.
Thinking about my friend who wanted to explore her bisexuality and finally plucked up the courage to go to an ‘introduction to beavers’ workshop at the lesbian camp at a festival we were at, and it was an ecologist talking about beavers (the mammal) for 90 minutes
[Stranded after plane crash]
ME: We need to choose which one of us to eat firstGUY: But why, pacifically?
ME: Ok I’ve made my choice
I always hold the door for ladies, but they never seem to get in the car when I do that.
COACH: You miss 100% of the shots you take.
ME: You mean, don’t take?
COACH: No. You are, by far, the worst athlete I have ever seen.
I need to work on controlling the look on my face when I’m listening to stupid people.
Kid: Trick or treat?
Me: How old are you?
Kid:
His dad: 4 years old
Me *goes back inside to talk to wife in scared tone* there’s a 4 year old out there who’s 6 feet tall
Her: ‘We should have another kid.’
Me: *puts on Teletubbies marathon*
‘Say that again in 6 hours.’
Freaking out people walking round the cemetery dressed as a Ghostbuster.
I don’t know who named them safety pins, but I’ve been stabbed by them more than any other pin.
I am a brown supremacist. I dream that the whole world will be one giant call centre one day.
Employee: Sir you’ve been in that changing room for half an hour, what are you doing?
Me: *Crying* WAITING FOR IT TO WORK
Please do it!
“I’ll catch up with you, I just have to make ONE more joke on Twitter” (How I’d die in a horror movie)
I’m playing hide and seek with my 6yo. I’m underneath a pile of laundry, and she just walked right by me. This is exhilarating. It feels like that scene in Jurassic Park when the kids are hiding from the raptors.
I don’t have 2.5lb weights at home so I have to use two bottles of wine for my physio exercises.
The Wendy’s Baconator is my favorite burger that also sounds like a pig from the future who’s here to kill you
Me as a kid: Willy Wonka is SO cool!
Me as a mom: WHOA! Ease up on the sugar there, Dude!
My husband brought home one happy meal for two kids.
Frankly things would have been less dramatic if he’d brought home a girlfriend.
[first date with Shrek]
Shrek: Where shall we go?
Me: Let’s go… OGRE THERE hahaha
Shrek: I’m going back to my swamp
ME: Remember Lake Geneva?
WIFE: Please, not this again.
ME: Those were good TINES.
WIFE: Will this ever get old?
ME: Not a FORKING chance.
WIFE: It’s annoying and stupid.
ME: Those are valid POINTS.
WIFE: Enough.
ME: Can’t HANDLE it?
WIFE: I mean it.
ME: Do my jokes make UTENSIL?
I took my birthday off of all my social media accounts to see who remembered it. So I got messages from my mother-in-law, the place that does my colonoscopy, and the bank.🤣
Alexa, find me a cat who’s hell bent on world domination just as soon as the weather picks up a bit.
It’s so cute how all the free sandwiches in the fridge at work have little names.
i ain’t victim blaming, but why tf would you tell a wolf where your grandmother lives