I have discovered there is no popcorn in popcorn chicken. I guess that means it’s not worth trying hash browns.
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ME: I’m so hungry I could greet a horse
FRIEND: “Eat” a horse
ME: No watch this. Hello Mr horse
HORSE: [gives me a taco]
I was passing by, and I saw this guy in the bush shouting “Help, snake help”
I just laughed because I knew the snake wasn’t going to help him “
Cinderella is my favorite fairy tale about how foot size is the best way to recognize someone.
I’m in a doctor’s office waiting room and there’s a People magazine on the table. I can’t believe Brad Pitt and Jennifer Aniston are getting a divorce.
My recipe for an upside-down cake is super easy:
1. Make a cake.
2. While carrying it, trip over the dog.
Him: I’m drawn to winged creatures.
Me: *bats eyelashes, cocks head, makes duck lips*
This is Manny. Every single time he chews on his ball, it goes flying out of his mouth. And every single time, he is surprised. 13/10
I used to sneak out of my house to go to parties, now I sneak out of parties to go to my house.
Ski instructor: this is a dangerous sport. One mistake could lead to a broken leg
Horse: I want to go home
It’s probably really hard for them to carry their backpacks.
ME: one ariana please
STARBUCKS: what size
ME: *winks at camera*
when your local library starts subtly sowing the seeds of anarchy
Someone should probably go check on Steve.
Me: But Halloween is the one day a year you get to be anybody you want
Jury at my Identify Theft Trial: [impressed whispering]
[trying to impress my date] order whatever u want
her: i’ll have the lobster
waiter: [noticing i am pointing a gun at him under the table] we uh. we don’t have lobster
he asked “what are we?” i said we the best
me: hey, you wanna get outta here?
museum guide: lady, i already told you they don’t come alive at night. please get away from the david statue
Using the toilet on the airplane means I’m certified to teach yoga now.
My wife’s late for work because I unplugged her alarm so I could charge my phone. She’s mad, but at least I can tell you guys about it.
When you’re feeling nice so you stop and get a couple dozen donuts for your crew. But then you gotta leave em in your car until the gravy sucking ingrate non reciprocating 1st shift crew goes home so your crew can actually eat them.
if you’re going to go around calling pets “fur babies” I’m going to call real kids “skin babies”
If you want to suddenly be surrounded by small children & animals, crinkle a candy wrapper.
[jail]
Me: what are ya in for?Cell mate: Cannibalism. You?
Me: I licked ice cream at the store and put it back in the freezer
Cell mate: wtf man that’s sick
Paying the internet $4.99 to take an IQ test is you failing the test.
Hubs sent me this text:
There’s no wrong way to tell the person you love that their beautiful.Me: *they’re.
I can’t wait to eat chips. If I had known Lent was so long I would not have given up chips.
– 11, missing the point of Lent
No thanks, malls. I shop from home without pants like a normal person.
the most important thing i learned from kermit the frog is that you can have a pretty good life without ever putting on pants
Park Ranger: Careful, someone saw a coyote out here earlier
Me: Ok, thanks
-20 minutes later-
*drives into a rock painted like a tunnel
I think I might be ready to start dating again?
Husband: