Women! Can’t live with ’em, can’t sell ’em or Liam Neeson will find you and kill you.
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Me: let’s go get a baby dinosaur.
Wife: where are we going to get a baby dinosaur?
M: at the babysaurus store.
W: Baby’s R Us you idiot.
No, YOU’RE the one who had an itch on your chest, reached in your shirt to scratch it and pulled out a limp dryer sheet.
Certainly wasn’t me.
The first thirteen years on Twitter are the hardest
The Purge: Valentine’s Day
Why does the couple at the beginning of a scary movie always have to be happy & sexy why can’t it be like, Pat & Deb, 56 & 54, IBS sufferers
[Googling instructions for disarming a bomb]
For me, disarming bombs is indelibly linked to afternoons spent in my grandmother’s kitchen, watching her carefully iron the parchment paper that the nitroglycerin came bound in (to be reused at Christm
[Hurried scrolling]
I finally convinced Grandpa to watch Avengers with me.
Grandpa: Who’s that guy?
Me: Captain America.
Grandpa: Then the blonde must be Captain Hammer.
Me: No, that’s Thor.
Grandpa: …Thor? What, like from the Bible?
Me: Um… Yes?
Grandpa: I don’t like church movies.
ME (having a disagreement with a friend): I’d like to speak to your manager
If youre a serial killer & you dont call your murder shack a ‘bloodshed,’ well I’ve just about given up on you
My Daughter wants a Cinderella-themed party, so I invited all her friends over and made them clean my house.
When people put pics of their vacation on FB I write: I saw fire trucks outside your house but I’m sure you already know, have a great time!
“I’m soooo tired!”
[lays down in bed]
“I’m soooo comfortable!”
Bladder: Sup bro
Last week I chopped my neighbour’s tree and now it’s growing back because his-tree repeats itself…
Brain: I’m manifesting abundance.
Body: here’s another chin
Hemorrhoids should be called a more gender-neutral name, such as themorrhoids.
Guy in restaurant: Mam, are u ok? Are u choking?
Me: *wipes off drool & removes a cherry stem from my mouth that’s not tied in a knot*
excusing myself in the middle of a date to go to the bathroom and baby-wipe down my whole body. to keep it weird.
(Has hundreds of bad experiences smelling things)
Him: Smell this
Me: Okay
The best way to run into that hot person you’ve been dying to talk to is to leave the house looking the worst you possibly can.
i want wolverine claws. not for violence or anything. i want them for easing my way through reality. like opening an amazon package. or killing a neighbor.
[hospital]
Me: how is he?
Her: he’s in the burn ward
Me: *tearing up* I’m an adult you can say H-E-double hockey sticks
When singers at concerts hold out the mic for the audience to sing, it’s like what am i, your maid
Him: Hey
Me: *flashes box of super tampons*
So sweet. An A380 playing in the snow.
Either my cat is speaking English or that was not a vitamin I took….
When I see JUST MARRIED I like to think it means ‘only married’ like there are higher types of commitment but they just settled for marriage
@brookeG105 @SwedishCanary @funTweeters @Mad_Humor
i just hope my kid isn’t the kid that makes a teachers day by being absent
If I’ve learned anything from Disney, it’s this:
If you happen across a woman’s corpse, in the forest? Kiss it.