Seventh-Grade Class Scrambling To Piece Together Teacher’s Home Life From Desktop Background Before PowerPoint Opened
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We need a “your body is changing” talk for people turning 40.
RIP fred flintstone he would’ve loved treadmills.
Every raccoon is either planning a heist or in the middle of a heist.
I do not want to cook the books
I do not like the charge you took
Reverse it now, end the scam
Before we hear from Uncle SamDr Seuss’s CPA
I want to be the kind of person who eats half a grapefruit for breakfast and runs every morning but I also want to be happy
Me: WOW. Look at those legs!
Her: Thank you.
M: They’d look great around my neck!
H: Hey!
M: Wish I’d brought my saw.
H: WHAT?!?
M: Nothing.
I can sing all the words to the intro song of DuckTales, what’s your flex?
Lame! I was tricked into watching PS, I Love You! It’s definitely NOT about a guy that marries his PlayStation.
No thanks Olive Garden, the last place I wanna eat is somewhere that treats me like family.
cats when you pet them too long:
How do I feel about your goatee? I shave every part of my legs except the knees, how do you feel about that?
*eats an entire box of cereal in one sitting*
Wtf there’s no prize in this?
“Sir, we don’t sell cereal. This is Petsmart.”
FYI – They won’t let you just pick a kid to take with you from the Lost & Found at Toys R Us. You actually have to be the parent.
Me: *Living in the US for 18 years*
Me: *Calls mom in India everyday 9PM*
Mom: *Everyday* What time is it there?
A chihuahua is just a barking cat.
date: i want a good listener
superman: 🙂
date: who can see inner beauty
superman: 🙂
date: and looks good in glasses
clark kent: 🙂
date: wait what the hell
How to determine what party to vote for:
1) Calculate income
2) Divide by number of dependents
3) Subtract age
4) Download Game of War
You are never alone with Cthulhu in your mind. #WednesdayWisdom
Restaurant chain commercials should run the disclaimer “Actual food might not tumble and splash in slow motion”.
The real reason David beat Goliath is that when David threw a rock, Goliath threw scissors.
Apple is now sponsoring the Super Bowl halftime performance.
That means it won’t be noticeably different from last year’s and we’ll have to update our TVs halfway through.
what’s another way to say “codependent psycho”? I want this dating profile to be perfect
Waiters who dont write stuff down—what do you win?
Most of my tweets have been coming from a very dark place lately. That’s what happens when you forget to pay your electric bill
it’s either covid or clever vampires
[first day working at the pizzeria]
Me [cheeks full like a hamster]: boss, we’ve run out of everything
I consider myself Christlike in that I refuse to believe my parents ever had sex with each other.
I hate my job. The work sucks. The people suck. The pay sucks.
*looks up and sees motivational poster on wall*
Well this changes everything
amazing how folks can pinpoint the subtle floral undertones in a glass of wine while i’m like “yo, is there mustard on this grilled cheese?”
I love the Yakuza games. I wish Japan was real.