I just found out I have a half sister. It was the result of a magic trick gone really wrong.
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I hope you get that part you auditioned for, that gig you called about, that job you applied for, the promotion you deserve, the all clear on the medical test you’re nervous about, the text from your crush, the acceptance letter from the school you applied to. Namaste.
Me, to the fellas: Load up. We getting magical tonight.
Can’t, I’m still folding up this CVS receipt.
Turns out adding glitter to your urine sample doesn’t add sparkle to the lab techs lives. It does, however, get you yelled at by your doctor.
DID YOU KNOW: If every person on the planet lined up along the Earth’s equator, most of them would drown.
My almost 2 y/o can now open our pantry door and that MF’er won’t stop bringing me cans of soup.
I present to you: Stupid things White people have said to me, but with a “live, laugh, love” font, because I’m petty, a thread…
the average goat is 9 carrots tall if you measure goats in carrots
Biden: I painted “Michelle Obama 2020” on your bedroom ceiling
Obama: 😳
Biden: Glow in the dark paint
[on phone with attorney]
HIM: you’re being charged for murder.
ME: damn that sounds expensive i guess you can just put it on my Amex
[1st day as chef]
Waiter: table 3 want soufflé
Me [an hour later]: I can do toast, tell them they can have toast, it’s like bread but harder
I’m so old, I saw some kids roughhousing and bruised.
One of the fake rooms at Ikea should just be a couple fighting as they try to put the furniture together
The 3 yo was playing row row row your boat in a box across the floor. All was fun until he announced his paddle broke.
It’s my shoe. My shoe was the paddle. My shoe is broken.
I went on WebMD and I either have Covid or I’m getting my period
*pays $2100 to have 17’s wisdom teeth pulled
*puts teeth under my pillow to try to recoup some of that money
I’ve invented a new cologne that is just one part bug spray and three parts campfire
I am such a dungeons & dragons guy in theory. but i just don’t have the attention span to make it work. i will show up super excited, name my elf some shit like Hyundai Elantra, and then you’ll never hear from me ever again
Gen Z have no idea how easily accessible music is. I once had to jump off a bridge and narrowly avoid a moving truck to hear Bon Jovi play their latest song Its My Life
In rest homes, when lovers have spats, do they key each other’s walkers???
“OPEN UP, THIS IS THE POLICE!”
haha, no way losers. I’ve got things to do.
*cop whispering* “what do we do? this guy is owning us hard!”
For the ones in the back.
I didn’t forget your birthday I just forgot today’s date.
-me, forgetting your birthday
Me: I only wanted a little mayo! I can’t eat this!
Him: Does it matter that much?
Me: Well, would you like me to stab you a little or a lot?
God: the quarterly meeting of 2020 will come to order
Satan: under new business please add timing to release 4th horseman of the apocalypse
G: this is the last time I bet with you on the winner of Dancing with the Stars
S: LOL
G: LOL
You: Feeling cute. Might delete later.
Everyone: Please
Maybe Boeing should make their planes out of Legos. They seem to stick together better than whatever they’re using
ROBIN: the batmobile won’t start
BATMAN: check the battery
ROBIN: what’s a tery
the reason wordle only does one word per day is so you can spend the rest of your day talking about wordle