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“This movie is intended for 18+ viewers.” Bro, I don’t have 17 friends to watch this with.
[seeing random coworker at the supermarket] oh hey what’s up! i didn’t know you liked groceries
Home alone tonight
The fridge is making weird noises
I think the beer wants out….
My girlfriend said she bought the lingerie for me, but then got upset when I put it on… I dont get women.
Pro-Tip: if you check yourself into the asylum you get a bed, good meds and three squares a day without having to do any chores.
I have a great story to tell u.
“Why don’t u just go write a book”
Wow, that’s-
“Don’t u dare say it-”
a novel idea.
“I’m moving out”
Rose petals? Next time scatter something I can eat.
“When god closes a door, he opens a window”
Murder Hornets: Awesome!
You stop eating apples if your doctor is cute.
I fixed the internet, am tech genius
*turned the WiFi router off and on and now it’s working
My Kid: (seeing Wife with a plate of fries) Mommy, can I have some of your fries?
Wife: No. (Points at me who is also having fries) Go ask Daddy
My Kid: Daddy, can I have some of Mommy’s fries
My Brain: Don’t high five your kid right now. Don’t high five your kid right now…
when you need to shoot exactly four evenly-spaced dudes
spelling bee judge: your word is respect
me: can you use it in…a song
spelling bee judge: nice try
I wish Bill Clinton would stop pointing his finger at everyone, Lord knows where that finger has been. #DNC #DirtyPoonTang
It’s a good thing I’m off for a vacation soon. It took me 15 minutes of her talking about her Volvo before I realized she meant her car
Producer: ok the writer strike is done. Any new fresh ideas?
Writer: Mission Impossible 9!
Producer: BRILLIANT!
This woman got so offended when I asked if I could pet her son, like I’m the one who put him on a leash.
*sees other guys posting photos of their abs*
*posts photo of me washing dishes*
*gets hit on by every woman on the internet*
Me: Now do you believe me?
Wife: The fridge isn’t haunted.
Me: Then who made all that ice?
Wife: *walks away*
Me: WHO?!
Me: I want a labrador but all the pet shops are too expensive
Her: Have you tried dog pounds?
Me: Yeah, but apparently it’s ‘not a real currency’
My kids brought me breakfast in bed, then proceeded to eat MY breakfast. If that doesn’t sum up motherhood I don’t know what does.
Roses are red,
violets are blue,
this poem is overused,
just like your mum.
Stranger: I’m calling from inside the house.
Me: *screams* Wait, do I have a landline?
Me: I love living in a place with four seasons.
Me, the first day I have to scrape ice off my car: Screw this entire state.
to be Frank, i would have to change my name.
Pilot, to passengers: Bit of a…uhhhh…problem on the flight deck…ahhhh…anyone know how much the average woodchuck might be able to…uhhhh…chuck?
Guy who loves tongue twisters: *whispering* It’s my time…
*speed dating bell rings
Me: Why are you breaking up with me?
[Wife walks in wearing nothing but whipped cream]
Oh my god, Linda, it’s like you’ve never even heard of ants.
When you have the opportunity to become a bigger person, take it because cake is delicious.
Why don’t people ever put the big lights on in horror films?