Hasbro is the only company that manufactures Monopoly. Think about that for a minute.
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No coffin for me thanks. I want to be creamated and have my ashes stored in a nice Tupperware container.
The 9 circles of hell:
9) limbo
8) lust
7) gluttony
6) greed
5) anger
4) heresy
3) violence
2) fraud
1) shopping on Black Friday
Fridge smart enough to tell me l left the door open but too lаzy to just close it for me. Worthless.
No Shave November
No Deodorant December
Lose Your Job January
Forget To Pay Rent February
Move in With Mom and Dad March
Courage is taking a selfie at an angle below your chin.
I finally got eight hours sleep. Took me four days but whatever.
“If you could be anyone, living or dead, who…”
Me – “dead”
When people say they’re speechless I always hope they mean it but they usually keep talking
*I enter the bank and draw a weapon*
Teller: holy shit
Me: what
Teller: you suck at art
No rule against wearing an old Halloween costume to Thanksgiving. Let your racist uncle talk presidential politics with Donkey from Shrek.
Nahh the delivery driver definitely knew it was Kai and purposely put the food that high 😭😭
neighbor complimenting my jack-o-lantern: wow is that hand carved?
me: *wiggling my fingers* haha no it’s real.
Before you tell a woman her makeup is askew, be sure she’s actually wearing makeup.
After I beat my dad in Go Fish, I like to shit in my underwear to celebrate.
-My son, apparently
the only thing getting in the way of my diet is food
Anyone want a chair?
I saved my Q tip so I could ask my husband if my earwax looked normal when he woke up. This is marriage.
Religious rituals and prayers sound really creepy when you replace “Jesus” with “Jeff”
I hope you prayed for me in church today.
There’s nothing I have going on, I just like the attention.
Thx
FRIEND: It’s called cauliflower. It’s not ghost broccoli.
ME: [taking a long drag on my cigarette] Listen kid, I know what I saw.
Me: My bed is so warm and cosy. I never want to leave.
Bladder: AHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
Robert is an ass man
Robert goes to the club
Robert sees a curvy girl
Robert comes up behind her
Robert Palmer
me after noticing a slight change in someone’s energy towards me
Taking a break from my mental health to focus on Twitter
So it turns out we were both wrong, but the important thing to remember is you were more wrong.
I automatically write off anything Donald Trump says because someone with that much money has no excuse for that hair.
I scream, you scream, we all scream for ice cream. This kid working at Baskin Robbins is pretty scared. Now he’s crying in the corner.
cool hat i found in the hospital bathroom for a cowboy like myself
Some people cry when they meet a celebrity. Big deal! I cry when I meet anybody, whether they’re famous or not. It’s called being scared of the world, sweetie, look it up.
15 Is The Age Where You Either Look Like 11 Or 25.