The prophecy is fulfilled
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ME: *unbuttoning shirt* Sorry, it’s hot in here and I’m really nervous.
INTERVIEWER: I understand but please stop unbuttoning my shirt.
my roofing company has gone bankrupt. I kept saying “this one’s on the house” every time I finished a roof, how could i be so stupid
Why are flashlights marketed with law enforcement imagery? Every time I need one I feel like I’m some insecure prick trying to act like Rambo. Why are they shaming my need for light that way?
If a shark attacks you, DO NOT punch him in the nose. Be the bigger person and just ignore him.
Drank so much coffee I think I just lost hearing in my right eye.
Diary, day 1: I’m in the gang, but the guys didn’t want my mom to join
Day 2: Friendship bracelets don’t count as bling
Day 3: They found my diary. I’m out of the gang
My band is so indie we don’t even record together. You have to buy 4 separate cds and play them at the same time.
fedex left me a note that they missed me, which is so sweet cause I miss u too, u bunch of box-destroying psychopaths
I wanna see some BUTTS on da dance floor! ONLY butts. Detached from their owners, just kinda in a pile. In the middle. Nice. Good butt pile.
#rubbishjokes
Noah’s diary – 39th day:“The dragon pie was really scrumptious.”
The rain is pounding so hard I’m kind of jealous.
Speaking in rhyme seems perfectly natural for a serial killer, but is quite unnerving when my proctologist does it.
[first date]
HER: I love to learn
ME: (trying to impress her) I spent two extra years in high school
[breakfast]
ME: please pass the egg snow and the toast ketchup
WIFE: *reluctantly hands me the salt and jelly* you are really something else dude
BOSS: Ok, so we’ve decided we’re definitely going to call our new product yogert. Has anyone got any thoughts on the spelling?
ROBHURT: yeh
Afraid of sharks? Simply wear a string bikini in the ocean – you’ll be so busy trying to keep it on that you’ll forget that you’re swimming amongst gigantic murdering fishies
Whatever, hissing raccoon. Sitting there, judging me. I didn’t mean to throw the cake in the trash so it’s still fair game.
Friend, cradling a baby: I just love the smell of babies!
Me: Yes, delicious.*friend frowns; I discretely check my Conversational Human guide*
Me: Yes, “nice.”
if you eat your burrito over a tortilla, anything that falls out will simply start building your next burrito
Not many people know this but if you just start crying, the customer service rep will just do what you asked
Her: Have you seen my glue gun?
Me: *Eating popcorn chicken right off a cob* No.
The dark side of Canada
A thread of some SAVAGE/DEEPEST REPLIES in “Black Panther”
1.
St Peter: welcome to the afterlife
me: damn… there’s more?
I saw a sign that said falling rocks so I tried and it doesn’t
When I wear those trendy sports bras with a million straps I get stuck in them like a seagull in a six pack ring
I just observed a sign that said “How do nudists clean their glasses?” so there’s that question to keep you up at night.
[Using raccoons for a heist]
Pros:
• stealthy
• tiny hands
• no fingerprints
• blend in with the dark
• attracted to shiny things
• already have the outfitCons:
• distracted by shiny things
• not great with directions
• poor traffic safety
GOD: *holds up dinosaur* what do we call this thing
AARON: aardvark
GOD: no you’re fired
LLOYD: llama
GOD: fired
PTOBY: hang on, I got this
“TURN DOWN FOR WHAT” my ears, fella…my ears.