Me at 22: you can find me in da club 🎶
Me at 42: you can find me in da tub 🛁
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Don’t wait until tomorrow to be a good person. Wait until next Thursday
When I’m texting, I start typing faster when i see you’re typing too. Oh, IT’S ON!! #amazingrace
For as long as that song was, you’d think the Ghost Busters would have mentioned their phone number at least once…
For my followers who’ve told me they feel shitty about where they are in life right now. Here’s my answer to y’all.
Romeo: I lost my cow
Juliet: wherefore art cow Romeo?
Snuck a peak at my therapist’s notepad after telling her about my childhood, and it was just dollar signs.
Scored a fantastic Christmas gift for my 11 yr old son today. A pass to the trampoline park with 99 visits! He will be thrilled!
However, I didn’t think this through. Someone now has to take him to said trampoline park. NINETY-NINE TIMES.
therapist: what are you afraid of?
me: nothing
therapist: yes, the void. it will swallow us all
Him: Maybe you should start counting your calories
Me: Maybe you should start counting your days
[inventing wedding dresses]
a massive skirt!
more skirt!
MORE
now, put a skirt over her face!
god ya that’s the stuff
Would it kill the makers of avocados to put a different toy inside?
When deescalating an argument with your wife, always use empathetic phrases like “look lady”
hey people who dress up and look amazing on thanksgiving how do you do that and why don’t you own pie-eatin sweatpants
“Are you mad at me?”
No. Why? Should I be?? Did you do something??? WHAT DID YOU DO????
It’s so strange, my 5 yr old is only “starving to death” when he hears the word “bedtime”
What a random, consistent, coincidence
I just overheard my son say to his friend, “Don’t worry, my mom will never notice.” So I had Alexa make an announcement that said, “Mom already knows!” just to mess with them.
And that, Romeo, is why we usually try to take a pulse first.
I’ve stolen so much stuff from work that some of my colleagues now have to work at my house
Got kicked out of karate class for kicking people out of karate class
“At least Donald Trump says what he thinks.”
Ah yes if only all racists would shout about it constantly the world would be a better place.
If Thor is a woman, what’s next? Woman doctors? Woman lawyers? Woman mothers? When will it end?
It’s not enough for my dog to sit and get pets; he must also make eye contact with my other dog to make sure that he knows.
maybe my uterus is haunted, or maybe there’s an actual shark up there
I wrote a check today at the grocery store and then I left and got on my horse and buggy and slowly drove away.
Sitting in a restaurant, a girl walked in and yelled SOMEONE DECIDED TO MARRY ME *twirls and air kicks* then walked out
Boss: why’d you leave early?
Me: you said cease the day
Boss: yes I said seize the day
Me:
Boss:
Me, off my meds, pitching a cartoon movie: OK, so, you know how most toasters are cowards?
*Forgets to stir pasta for 4 seconds*
The Pasta:
This girl wants to sing with me but I don’t wanna duet