guys I’m going home
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Wife: you wanna play monopoly?
Me: sure if there’s one thing we need to do more of as a couple it’s recreational arguing
I’m not saying my husband and I are scared of our 3yo, but we just did Rock Paper Scissors to determine who was going to take the baseball bat away from him.
[in hell]
Me: *sneeze*
The devil: bless you
Me, waving as I float to heaven: haha, fool
the devil: DAMN YOU
Me, floating back to hell: dang
girlfriend: I’m seeing someone behind your back
me: *believes in ghosts* is it my grandpa
Once again the nurse sighs and writes “patient refused to step on scale” into my medical chart.
Listen, I didn’t even want this piece of pre-workout pizza, but athletes have to make sacrifices.
Ive just finished writing my first ever childrens novel. It’s called ‘We’re poor because of you’.
When people ask “Where do you see yourself in 5 years?” just reply with “Space” then silently stare at the sky until they leave.
[At the funfair]
*Fire alarm sounds*
Me: *in the hall of mirrors* oh no.
*wears a clown mask hitchhiking*
Why’s nobody stopping, everyone loves clowns, right?
[rock climbing]
me: *out of breath*
Dwayne Johnson: ok get off me
Danny in Grease: I want this car to look cool
Kenickie: sure bro
Danny: and put in a part that makes it fly
Kenickie: wait what
Bummed cuz parents wont send their kids to my resort that teaches how to pay attention.
I thought “Concentration Camp” would be a gold mine.
i ain’t victim blaming, but why tf would you tell a wolf where your grandmother lives
why are math teachers so obsessed with proofs ??? bro WE BELIEVE YOU literally no one here is doubting mr pythagorean
Million Dollar Idea: Footwear that loudly screeches “go away” when people get too close. They’re called SHOOS. (Patent Pending.)
Hairdresser: How do you feel about a chin length hairstyle?
Me: That depends
Her: On?
Me: Which chin you’re going by.
Her: *Looking at furniture we can’t afford*
Me: You know you can’t have that, why do you tease yourself?[A few hours later]
Me: *Watching sportsball on TV*
Me: *Perks up at cheerleader*
Her: *Just raises one eyebrow*
“I’m an Aquarius, I hate it when people stab me in the back.”
Wow. The rest of us absolutely love it.
[car appreciation parade for child’s teacher]
Me [hanging out window with paper]: HOW ARE WE SUPPOSED TO DO #5?!?
If you press this button, you will get a piece of cheesecake but one person on earth will die so-
*me already pressing button* sorry, what?
I’m two types of woman. One who is extremely hard on herself & one who can’t stop giggling because she just said hard on.
Need WebMD
“I hate being single,” she lied, lounging in her king-sized bed all to herself
Yesterday I said the words “clink the lick” instead of “click the link” because my mouth likes to prank me
Was at a political event recently (not my usual scene), MP was selling raffle tickets to support a potential parliamentary candidate.
I asked him how much they were.
He said “It’s five pound a strip”
I said “Do I get to choose the music?”
Just looked at me then walked off 🤣
I’m in your fridge late at night like this!
My husband got his hand stuck in the dishwasher.
So of course I had to fire her.
*calls child protective services*
PROTECTIVE SERVICES: Why would you name me this, mom?