Might make a living will because I don’t want my family deciding whether to pull the plug. My dad has a long history of being against wasting electricity.
You Might Also Like
I’d grill your cheese.
~me, flirting
If you ever see me on my death bed, please take me off my death bed & move me to my alive bed thx
*wakes up drenched in sweat*
WAS BINGO THE FARMER OR THE DOG?
🎶99 sheets of TP on the roll
99 sheets of TP,
You take one down,
Make it all brown,
98 sheets of TP on the roll.
98 sheets of TP on-🎶Wife [outside bathroom door]: PLEASE STOP SINGING
Hi, I want to get a tattoo to express my individuality. Do you mind if I look through this book of tattoos you’ve done for other people?
I think the saying “every man for himself” was made up by women tired of making sandwiches
If you pass out in front of your kids they will either try to call an ambulance or use you as a trampoline. You just don’t know.
Bae: come over.
Me: I’m doing the podcast.
Bae: come over.
Me: nah, I’m doin the podcast.
Bae: my parents are out.
Me: they can download it.
everyone make a new friend so you don’t get assigned to David
[Premiere of A River Runs Through It]
Beavers: Booooo!
cop: do you know who the murderer is?
detective quasimodo: i have a [takes off sunglasses] decent lead
cop: [obviously disappointed] oh
detective quasimodo: what?
cop: it’s just i thought you were gonna say you had a… nvm it’s not important
I take a prop microphone wherever I go. If a reporter sticks a mic in my face during a tragedy, I can pull out my own and return the favor.
I was getting fed up at my job and was considering quitting but they’ve upgraded the toilet paper in the office restroom so I’m good now.
This woman got so offended when I asked if I could pet her son, like I’m the one who put him on a leash.
Me : can you be my quarantine partner ?
Her : Hmmm …first , Show me your
stimulus packageMe : 🤦🏾♂️
Her : DO NOT TOUCH YOUR FACE.
I’m renovating and I can’t decide if I should start with the plumbing in the kitchen or the pool.
It’s either sink or swim.
#PlumbingDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
From now on when people come up to me while I’m pregnant and say, ‘looks like you’re getting so close now!’ I’m just going to start saying ‘you too!’
The mattress in the guest room was perfectly fine until I had to sleep on it once.
me: I’m doing marathon training
friend: that can really help you in the long run
me: I know what it’s for
One night stands just make more sense for single people. Why would you need a night stand on both sides of the bed?
[introducing my new girlfriend to my brothers]
ME: …so basically this is my last day at the monastery
ME: hell yeah I’m into Dune 2. Dune 2 others as you’d have them Dune 2 you!
JESUS: *descends from heaven* stop that
I predict that Obama’s next move is to threaten to hold his breath until Russia leaves the Crimea.
Have you ever been driving on a highway and afraid to exit the off ramp because it’s a sharp turn and the roads are full of snow so you just keep going until you hit Florida?
Costume idea:
Dress up like milkshake, wait in the yard.
Cashier’s playing dumb cause I said “venti” at a non-Starbucks. You know what I mean, dude, just point me to the biggest dildo you guys got.
2024 is gonna be better i can feel it in my bones nope that’s the osteoporosis nvm 😭
Maybe she was born with it, maybe she was forged in the fires of Mount Doom.
Mistook a discarded plastic bag for a rat today as the wind blew it across my path. On the plus side, I can now perform the ‘Gangnam Style’.
Real sentence from a press release in my inbox: “Donald Trump lives, works, eats and employs people of all races and religions.”