You’re right autocorrect. Much is gracias.
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I am Australian, hear me pronounce aluminum the correct way
honey I’m home
wife: how was your first night class
well [hangs up suit of armor] not good
Aliens only abduct the people that are already nuts so no one will believe them when they try and tell everyone
*i maintain solid eye contact with my boss, who is in the process of firing me for eating on the job, as i slowly pull out a chalupa from my coat pocket & begin eating it*
wife: turn on the stove please
me: [twerking in front of stove] it’s not working
me: I heard this cemetery was haunted
caretaker: I’ve worked here 173 years and haven’t seen anything
Tomorrow’s forecast seems ominous.
*first day as medical examiner*
Me: What killed him?
Dr: Cancer
Me: And him?
Dr: Cancer
Me: And h– let me guess, cancer?
Dr: Nope. Sagittarius
*shaking fist, cursing my blood enemies* May it rain hard on your school poster project due date. And…and…May your magic marker block letters run!
Doctor: Your son is lactose intolerant
Me: Oh my god
[later that day]
Me [runs into field and punches a cow]: That’s for inventing milk
Relationship status: just said goodnight to my living room.
Candles never taste the way they smell
I moved to this city ten years ago with just the money in my pocket and a debit card that gave me access to the rest of my money which was in a bank account.
My teen is in an outdoor class where they take the kids fishing and the catch of the day goes home with the lucky student. You can only imagine how proud I was to see my son victoriously running to the car at pickup holding up a large rubber boot
Never underestimate an underachiever. We’re capable of less than you think.
Look son, every man is nervous the first time. Just take a deep breath, walk up to her, look her in the eye and ask her for directions.
My wife: I just gave myself a pedicure in record time!
Me: Impressive feet!
Me: just cuz my resume is on a napkin doesn’t mean it’s not good
Employer: there’s a chicken nugget stuck to it
Me: oh is there? *winks*
“Everyone says they’re voting for Clinton or Trump, but I’m voting for Regina George because she got hit by a bus.”
i told my dermatologist if she couldn’t get rid of my acne i’d kill myself and she referred me to a “psychologist,” which i have to assume is just a better dermatologist?
To whoever has my voodoo doll, stop making her go to work !
the three branches of government
Meanwhile, a pug wearing an ugly Christmas sweater is having a doggy wedding in Central Park, while I can’t even get a girl to text me back
So quick to claim someone on your taxes yet so slow to make them a snack.
thought I saw two girls fighting, turned out to be one drunk girl trying to take off a hoodie
The lady next to me on this plane thinks I’m in her seat, she keeps asking what my ticket says.
Looks like we have a big problem, cause my ticket doesn’t talk.
Was helping my daughter with an art project and got so mad because nothing would stick together. Well, funny story, as it turns out no matter how much Chapstick you rub on that paper it’s just never gonna work.
The adult version of “head, shoulders, knees and toes” is “wallet, glasses, keys and phone.”