You could replace the zombies on Walking Dead with huggers and it’d be the same scary show.
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My roomba on charge after cleaning up after 2 kids and 2 dogs.
Ok now I can see why they say a dog is a MAN’S best friend. Just asked my dog what he thought of my new boots and it’s like he doesn’t even give a shit.
911: 911, What’s your emergency?
Me: It’s John again.
911: John, seriously!!!
Me: I know. I know. Just an ambulance if possible. No cops.
God, I love Scotland
What if all DJs decided at once to stop using the infamous air horn sound effect and started using the sound of an old man climbing stairs?
sorry I didn’t answer when you called, I had 6 Peeps in my mouth
You look at the top of your phone screen and see the ringer off and alarm clock icons and wonder when you got old and boring and responsible
If you don’t think government is inefficient and wasteful, explain how the Census Bureau has been around so long yet we still use Fahrenheit
Taylor Swift: Now we got bad blood.
Lab Technician: Damn it Taylor I told you to refrigerate that!
I couldn’t be a magician. I’d never be able to make something just vanish into thin air.
ALSO ME: I’m gonna put this in a safe place…
My son keeps running around naked, so I sprayed him with Windex. It’s supposed to prevent streaking.
Am not being sponsored to say this but if any of you are looking for a great new way to relax, give “sitting” a try! I recently tried sitting and it’s the ideal solution for when you’re tired of standing up but not quite tired enough to lie down 👍
Me: I don’t care how cute you are, I will tear you to shreds if you don’t start cooperating.
Wrapping paper: *rips*
I always smile really big at people in public. Tends to freak them out, out cause I’m not good at putting on lipstick.
If your cat has ever accidentally fallen into the tub while you were taking bath, you’ve known chaos.
To see if my husband uses his shopping list, I used book titles instead food items. So we are either having Grapes or Wrath or bagel bites for dinner.
Me: kill me now!
Murderer, from behind curtain: i was going to surprise you
Doctor: *taps knee with mallet* feel that?
Me: No
Doctor: or this? *jabs toe with a pin*
Me: Nah
Doctor: Just as I suspected. This is my leg
If I had a time machine I’d bring all the Home Depot skeletons I could find to the Victorian age and surround a village with them while they all slept
butterfly in the sky, i can go twice as high?? You’re starting your song dissing a key pollinator? For what?
I don’t need to read the room I already know how it ends
Due to staff shortages, a lot of wizards have developed bad backs
I hope the guy who stole my debit card enjoys his $12 shopping spree.
My wife’s so square in bed she has cubic hair
bro think about being homies w Joaquin Phoenix in “her”. trying to console him over his broken heart but at the same wanting to be like “dude she is a phone”
The top Little Caesars pizza competitor is Big Brutus.
My new dentist called me back in to make another mold of my teeth. Needless to say he made a terrible 1st impression.
A pleasant day enough to misarrange slightly some words.
the ideal man is always thinking of several cool things at once (throwing a football really far, a truck with big wheels, giving a lot of high fives)
Me: the most important thing when wearing a mask is that it covers your mouth and nostrils
Batman: oh no