For the low, low price of $14.95, I’ll send you my instructional DVD, “How to Succeed as a Con Man.”
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[pet store]
Me: your parrot called me a cracker.
Manager: maybe he was asking..
[from the back] TALK YOUR SHIT WHITE BOY *parrot whistle*
GUY: I think I’m done eating
ME: did you need a to-go box?
DEATH ROW EXECUTIONER: again, stop asking them that
No more questions until my mom gets here
-Me to HR
Me: It appears our thoughts have verbally crossed streams once again
Friend: why can’t you just say jinx?
I’d love for someone to play with my hair & tell me I’m pretty but his hand would get tangled in my hair and things would get weird… Fast.
Me: Ok I’m just gonna lay down for like 15 minutes.
[11 Days later]
Oh no
Quest givers are like: “That’s close enough, Stranger. One more step and you’re scagg meat. Why don’t you turn around and start walkin’? Or you could help me with a deeply personal problem.”
Wins the Internet today. Night, all…
The true irony in Taylor Swift singing about feeling 22 at age 23 is that I want to hit her in the face with a cast iron skillet.
Judge: you’ve been charged with assault
Batman: you mean battery
Judge: no it was physical assault
Batman: *whispers* batsault
Your pancakes will never taste as good as the ones your mother made because those pancakes had a secret ingredient, which is that you were six years old.
*Draws happy eyebrows on my dog*
The Wendy’s Baconator is my favorite burger that also sounds like a pig from the future who’s here to kill you
Sure you look forward to the day your kids are independent adults and living on their own, but it’s a double edged sword because then it becomes even harder to avoid talking to your husband.
I’m like …if parking too far away from the curb was a person.
Watching a show about women who choose to give birth outside. Like, let’s take the most painful experience of my life and add bugs and shit.
me: dinosaurs can’t talk
her: how do u know
me: they’re all dead, barb
I was riding in an Uber with a gay male colleague when his Grindr app notification went off on his phone. The female Uber driver said, “I know that sound – my husband plays that game all the time.”
When I die I want to be dressed like a scuba diver and placed on top of Mount Everest to confuse the climbers
If IKEA and LEGO combined forces our children could make our furniture.
When I meet someone new I always determine if they’d be an ally or food, in the event of a zombie apocalypse.
If crying kids on planes bother you, just have 5 of your own, so that next time you hear one, you’ll be like “Thank God that isn’t mine.”
“every family has that one huge weirdo”
“NOT MY FAMILY!” I shout as I quickly exit the room, my six ducks on leashes in hot pursuit.
Not to brag, but my father bit someone’s ear off long before Mike Tyson made it cool.
I told my husband I wanted a hedgehog and he said we don’t need a hedgehog. Long story short, we’re picking it up on Thursday.
My husband doesn’t understand why I don’t just lock the door if I want to go to the bathroom alone, so next time he goes to poop I’m going to bang on the door and scream the whole time.
Pretty much everyone I’ve ever met has told me to stop exaggerating
Apparently your bosses don’t like it when you refer to them as “you geniuses.”
Child: Mom! You can’t go that way, it’s a one way street!
Me: Oh sweetie, that’s just a suggestion.
Do you smell smoke?
I always say that when I fart. It makes people take a deep breath.