It feels so good on a cold morning, a hoodie fresh from the dryer…
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I feel so bad for my cat, he’s sitting by the door crying out for this cat and her baby (that are on the opposite side) The same cat I caught him with the night he snuck out, but sweetheart you have been neutered for a year+ she is lying, that is not your baby
I just listened to an great session on “Designers and Gyaan” hosted by @dharmeshba. It provokes a lot of good questions. I can’t help but contrast this with academia. In academia, I get the teaching/speaking opportunities based on how well I “publish.” Many professionals, 1/n
[first date]
Him: I used to have a lazy eye but I had corrective surgery.
Me [trying to impress]: My entire body’s lazy.
I’ve heard that some people have kids who sleep through the night and I’d like to know if they use tranquilizers or chloroform
It’s really disturbing how that bear family in those Charmin commercials are so open with each other about shitting.
*chases cat around the house with a lint roller
Yesterday I asked my kindergartener what she did in school and she said “nothing,” then later I went on Instagram and her teacher had posted a picture of her holding a crocodile.
Santa- “ho ho ho, Mer-“
Me- “tf did you just call me?”
Next time you’re in a public bathroom and someone knocks, assert dominance by saying come in
Racism is alive and well. I entered a plane and a white lady started freaking out. I laughed so hard my grenades fell out of my pocket.
Most adults have thirty-two teeth but you can have as many as you like if your pockets are big enough
PHILOSOPHY MAJOR: humanity is at risk
STEM MAJOR: because global warming is affecting sea levels
ENGLISH MAJOR: is it affecting or effecting
my wife: we have to wear what we died in for eternity!?
st. peter: that’s right
me: [from the back end of our horse costume] what’d he say
I was on a date and my credit card got declined. Her credit card got declined too. Then I knew I was in love.
If you put Mattel dolls in a line they become a Barbie queue.
I’ll take the seat next to the guy who swallowed the wifi.
One advantage of looking creepy is people tend to avoid conversations with you.
Me: Guys, we have to leave for the store in an hour
Guys, we have to leave for the store in 15 min
Guys, we have to leave for the store in 5 min
Guys, we have to leave9yo: WHY?!? Where are we going?!?
My lame jokes will never be as shitty as the people who respond to them with “ba dum tss”.
My husband and I got in a fight and I was certain I had the last word until we went to bed and he started snoring
Women are better than cake. You can have a woman and eat her too.
Fries should be offered more often like yes your mortgage is approved would you like fries with that?
I set my GPS voice to Mom, and now when I miss a turn, it says “Your sister wouldn’t have missed that.”
Whoever said diamonds are a girl’s best friend has clearly never worn leggings.
I don’t think I can manage sugar daddy but I could probably scrape together a carb uncle
I made the cutest little Easter baskets with leaves and fronds. My neighbor is still wondering who sawed off the top of his palm tree.
Me: Chris Pratt and Anna Faris are separating.
Wife: Who gets the raptors?
I don’t want to be with someone who will finish my sentences. I want to be with someone who will finish the dishes.
I think it’s weird how President Obama appointed George Clooney Secretary Of Handsome. #DNC
Grooming tip:
Cut your toenails every 2 to 24 weeks whether they need it or not.