Going to put on a flowing gown and rush up to hikers in the forest, grab their hands and place a gold ring there before uttering “keep it safe” and running away like I’m being chased
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If I ever met the Dalai Lama, I would ask him a question that has plagued me my entire life.
“What color do Smurfs turn if you choke them?”
Jeff is here!
“Jeff from work or Jeff the guy who announces his arrival anytime he enters a room”
Jeff is here!
Dear Diary—
Today’s the day! I’m going to go up to that cute barista and say: “ALEX! MY NAME IS ALEX! WHERE DO YOU COME UP WITH ‘ARVIN’?! IS THAT EVEN A REAL NAME?!”
Me: Time heals all wounds.
Murderer: *stabbing me* Way to keep a positive attitude, but that’s probably inaccurate.
The Dalai Lama prefers quiet restaurants in order to find dinner peace.
[eraser factory]
BOSS: what makes u think ur right for the job?
ME: *hands him blank piece of paper* I think my resumé speaks for itself
cashier: how’d you like to pay for this
me: not at all
My 6yo said “I’m still hungry” and I couldn’t resist responding with “I’m still daddy”
If I cared about being judged by a stranger, I’d be religious.
As long as McDonald’s doesn’t make us pay with excercise.
I want to know what ideas were so bad that “horny cows” made it on the billboard
I was really happy when Miss 10 came in especially to see me when I was feeling unwell the other day. She looked at me and asked is the cat in here and left.
I don’t envy mama birds for how they have to feed their babies, but the pushing them out of the nest part sounds fun.
The calories of the third sandwich don’t count of the first two were delicious
#WorstWaysToStartALoveLetter
What started as a simple prostate exam, has blossomed into something special…
The year is 2073. My wife and I rest in side by side burial plots. Waking up in the middle of the night our 57yo son, for reasons beyond his understanding, digs a horizontal hole between us and gets in.
His head near his mother and his feet kicking my corpse, he sleeps.
Okay back to it and remember, you can’t say anger without saying grrrr
HEIST MASTERMIND: There’s laser tripwires everywhere, so be careful.
GUY WHO ALWAYS OPENS BAGS OF M&Ms WAY TOO HARD: Got it.
My company has a nicotine like addiction to conference calls.
I wanted to have sex with Uma Thurman until I saw her toes in Kill Bill.
Summer break is cool because I won’t be alone for the next 2000 hours of my life but at least I won’t have to pack anyone a lunch.
U U U U U U
An American’s tile rack after a Scrabble game.
a BIG dipper ? in this astronomy ?
My mom texted to say she found my younger son’s water bottle in her car and I was like, “yeah, he pretty much sheds reusable water bottles, Hot Wheels and raincoats”
So the US is to send 3000 troops to help combat ebola.
Does anyone else get the feeling they don’t know what ebola is?
You think you have it rough? I’m playing hangman with a 6yo who can’t spell.
Me: So you’re allergic to avocados?
Her: Yup…
Me: Like a vampire?
Her: No that’s garlic.
Me: Oh, like a werewolf?
Her: No, those are silver bullets.
Me: Not avocado bullets?
Her: Don’t…
Me:
Her: Don’t do it…
Me: Fired from a…
Her: *sigh*
Me: Glockamole…
Her: I hate you
I’ve watched “Aladdin” like 25 times with my kids, so I know quite a bit about politics in the Middle East.
Have kids so you can get weird compliments like “You look nice in that dress, like a Saturday raisin.”
*orders pepperoni pizza*
Her: you need to start taking better care of yourself.
*calls back, adds mushrooms*