Cashier at McDonalds said “See you later” a little too smugly at breakfast. I did not appreciate her condescension and told her so at lunch.
You Might Also Like
cop: did u see the speed limit sign
me: of course
cop:
me: but not u
[love making]
Her: [leans in] “do that thing you know I like.”
[i cease to exist]
Her: “yeah baby.”
Snap: i’m snap
Crackle: i’m crackle
Dad: hi snap and crackle i’m pop
I’ve seen or heard about Batman’s parents’ death so many times I feel like an accessory to murder for not going to the authorities.
I have taken 37 steps since March 16th. Call me for your fitness needs.
[wedding]
PRIEST: In lieu of vows the couple wishes to do their secret hand shake
ME (groom): could everybody turn around? it’s a secret
Meatloaf was so named because of his incredible likeness to his father, Meatlo.
Always be yourself…
Unless you run into one of your exes…
Then… Be a WAY more successful version of yourself…
I was trying to help my 4yo with his socks and he told me “I got it old man” so yea you can fit a whole lot of audacity into a 4yo.
Flight attendant: Do we have a doctor on board
Me: I have a PhD in mathematics
Flight attendant: one passenger is having a heart attack and one passenger is having an asthma attack
Me: *nodding* that makes two
Twitter pretty please next to a trending name add a label like “died” or “said something racist” or “is all good, just celebrating a birthday.”
[me as a disc jockey]
me: call in with any requests
*phone rings*
me: you’re on the air
caller: please stop playing mambo number 5
I’m convinced that my washing machine is a portal to a world where one-legged men hop around in my socks.
Spend a few hours without your phone and you’ll realise what the important thing in your life is.
It’s your phone.
Nothing makes me get up faster than my 6yo walking by me with a bottle of Elmer’s glue.
Honey, someone thinks I’m subtweeting them again..
Honey?
NOW HIRING: An employee
JOB REQUIREMENTS: 96 years experience already working at this job you’re applying for
I’d rather be an outlaw than an in-law.
“your sock has a hole in it” yeah no shit that’s how i get my foot in there linda
Kylo Ren: I will finish what you started
Me (running relay race): dude just take the baton
My neighbor cut their tree down and now my house looks bald.
If she’s got matching bra and panties on you know what that means… it means both were clean at the same time simmer down
Me: Why can’t we feed the animals?
Wife: They’ll get lazy and dependent and never, ever go away.
Me: *looks warily at our kids*
I’ve never understood the purpose of apps like Nextdoor. It sounds like it’s all just insane people looking out their window and then writing “suspicious man in brown shirt and shorts left three suspicious boxes in our lobby”
If you ever need to wake my wife from a coma, just set your drink on the coffee table without a coaster.
(One of my sons murders the other) hey cut the crap. both of you. knock it off
I hate when people start off a conversation with, “Can I be honest with you?”
No, please lie, I insist!
Hey maybe the dark matter in the universe is actually all the money that is owed to freelancers.
Went to the farmers market this morning but they didn’t have any farmers I liked
Sad to think that the Grandma from the Nutty Professor is probably dead by now.