My neighbors are being loud and I wanted to yell at them but I didn’t want them to know it’s me so I found a clip of a woman yelling SHUT UP and played it at full volume
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Nursing school doesn’t prepare you for the number of elderly patients who will casually confess to decades-old murders.
I’m at the point in life where if a girl dresses up in a french maid outfit I’d be more happy if she actually just cleaned my house for me..
Raise the bar ..?
Like, go and drink upstairs ..?
For a gentleman, Shakespeare really knew how to spread those thy’s.
We told Grandpa that we were worried about him being quarantined alone with his bad hip and failing eyesight, but he told us not to worry because he’d gotten himself a dog.
I would rather have a 100 poisonous spiders dumped on my naked body than a second date.
Me: So that’s a no?
Why do people have guest books at their houses? Your game night is not a destination, Brenda.
ballet teacher: “The girls tell me you’re going to a country that doesn’t allow children?”
Yes. I’m in my parenting powermove liar liar pants on fire era.
Age 20: Gotta get ripped for Spring Break!
Age 25: Exercise reduces stress!
Age 35: My doctor says I’ll die immediately if I don’t do this
Still finding Easter eggs hidden around the house which is especially scary considering I live alone.
“Your mother and I are separating but it’s not your fault, we love the three of you very much.”
“There are four of us.”
“You heard me.”
*walks into room to find toddler stuck upside down yelling for help*
“Hold it right there baby, Mommy’s just taking a quick picture”
when you burst out your jeans
and then eat human beings
you’re a werewolf
[First day of dropping kids off at school]
*Hugs and crying*
[2nd day]
“Get out!”
Yelled at some skinhead today & he was all like “chemotherapy, dude” & I was like, “whatever, racist” cause sometimes you gotta take a stand
Let’s play a game.
What item did my almost 3yo bring into our bed.
A: A teddy bear
B: A blanket
C: A @$!&*’n toilet brush
*scrolls ur TL*
*finds ur tweet from 2 yrs ago.*
*eerily similar to mine from day before*“She stole my tweet AND built a time machine?!”
*pandemic ends*
Mother Nature: HOW ARE THEY STILL ALIVE??!!!
do you ever think about how since Doordash started, some amount of cars in a traffic jam are just someone’s sandwich. a whole spot on the road just occupied by a guys lunch
WIFE: Where are you off to?
ME: Shits & giggles.
WIFE: What?
ME: I’m gonna read funny tweets on the toilet.
Me: It’s a beautiful night
Him: What?
Me: It’s a BEAUTIFUL night
Him: What?
Me: *opens trunk* I SAID, IT’S A BEAUTIFUL NIGHT!
“Better to be pissed off than pissed on!”
Actually, I prefer a third scenario where I’m not angry or covered in piss.
Buy her a new cauldron. Keep her broom in good repair. Maintain a robust collection of eye of newt.
Witches love that.
Any wife can be a trophy wife if you bring her to a Taxidermist.
It’s always good to tell people to “stay safe” during a distaster just in case they didn’t know.
I’m starting to think some of these Marvel movies might be made up.
Had to Google, “Nice way to say selfish” for a recommendation today.
Girlfriend: “Does this dress make me look fat?”
Me: “Stop blaming the dresses.
“Voop voop voop voop voop voop voop voop voop.”
-corduroys
There are 2 words that have opened a lot of doors for me in my life.
Push and Pull.