an hour on the treadmill is not so bad if you don’t turn it on.
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(asking for a raise at work) please, my landlord needs this
I’ve got nothing against kids, I just don’t understand why you’d want indoor kids.
When clowns first attacked these shores nobody took it seriously. It’s just one boat, how many could there be, they said.
Wanna know what’s cold? An airplane toilet seat at 30,000 feet.
Wanna know what’s colder? The stare of the person exiting the restroom after you.
When I told someone at work I didn’t have plans for Halloween because I’m not 5 y/o, she seemed stunned. I guess I really do look young.
I like to think of myself as a guy who doesn’t scare too easily but I just beat the shit out of a motion activated air freshener.
cop: thanks for saving us but why is your underwear on wrong
superman: lmao they’re not on wrong
cop:
superman: wait is this wrong
“Grey’s Anatomy” but it’s told entirely through the lens of the hospital’s HR department.
I just ordered a Fitbit and my bank called to see if my card was stolen.
When you go to the movies first thing you need to do is pour a drink in the seat in front of you so nobody can sit there..
“Was he better than me?”
“Joe, don’t.”
“I have a right to know!”
“No, he wasn’t better than you.”
[god appears]
“Mary, what the hell?”
Engagement photo shoots are so funny as a concept. Like girl, we believed you
Mortal Kombat Announcer: FINISH HIM
Scorpion: it helps if u choke me a little
I just won $50 on a scratch off! Guess y’all know who’s splurging on the whole cashews next grocery trip.
Walk into a random building, go to a random floor, step into a random meeting, and take a donut. Best donut you’ll ever eat.
My ex DM’d me to say I’m acting creepy then unfollowed me. Luckily, I have his password so I just refollowed myself and told him he’s wrong.
When you think about it, crime not withstanding, all cars are getaway cars
Whoever asked how can 2022 be any worse than the last couple of years, you jinxed the world. And now I’m coming for you.
“I was being bad last year and I STILL got presents from Santa Claus.”
-My 4yo completely embracing the Dark Side
Finally cleaned out the fridge to make meal planning easier. Tonight, we’re having buttered olives with mustard and baking soda.
What’s the worst that could happen? Tried my lady’s body lotion on my face and my face turned into a body, kept doing that hoping to bring back my face and that’s how I ended up 37 feet tall
Me: You should have been more specific
Wife: When I said fill my car up, obviously I meant fuel
Me: ok that does make more sense
Helped a stranger at the gym write a break up text today so yeah, that English degree is really paying off.
Why isn’t Spiderman’s greatest enemy named Shoeman?
Quest givers are like: “That’s close enough, Stranger. One more step and you’re scagg meat. Why don’t you turn around and start walkin’? Or you could help me with a deeply personal problem.”
Saying Trump can’t be an antisemite because his daughter converted to Judaism is like saying he can’t be sexist because he married a woman.
COPS: COME OUT OF THE HOUSE
“I’LL NEVER COME OUT”
COPS: WE WERE TALKING TO YOUR DOG. WE WANT TO PET HIM
Him: sex tonight?
Me: Work put me in a bad mood
Him: tomorrow?
Me: I have a headache tomorrow
Marty McFly: *plays Nickelback*
Guess you guys aren’t ready for that yet but your kids are gonna love it.
*returns to the present to find a world without children*
was driving on the freeway and this guy was speeding like a maniac, just weavin’ around, cutting everybody off like a damn nut. and then he exits the freeway at Zoo Drive! lmao this freak just trying to get to the zoo