Dealer: Anyone follow you dude?
Me: just my cat
*dealer opens trench coat & my mom jumps out*
Mom: why are you using drugs???
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Me: [auditioning for the new Thor movie] Mjolnir, mjolfar, wherever you mjolare
I believe that mjolheart does go onMarvel Exec: Get out.
Everyone always tells me I look young for my age, especially since I started telling them that I’m 72
It’s the little things that show you care. When she makes my sammich I always ask her if she wants a bite.
‘I dunno, maybe just use that image of the girl who’s about to murder her dad’
If we put headlamps on the squirrels that live in our trees, we don’t even need a strobe light for our backyard dance party. Just something to consider.
Hate to be nosey, people in the hallway, but you’re too effing loud and yes, that mole should be looked at.
I accidentally typed ‘thee’ and now I’m listening to lute music and my neighbour Jeff just succumbed to the Plague.
My memory is pretty bad until I’m pissed off, and then you are in for quite the surprise.
Her: We had our friend for dinner.
Him: It sounds wrong when you say it like that.
Her: Sorry. We ate our friend for dinner.
If I say “Good point. Thank you.” to your inane, mind-numbing reply, I’ve already hired a hitman who can’t be traced back to myself.
Every “People Actually Want To Return To The Office” piece sounds like it was written by a lonely office desperate for attention.
[pet store]
Me: your parrot called me a cracker.
Manager: maybe he was asking..
[from the back] TALK YOUR SHIT WHITE BOY *parrot whistle*
let’s split up gang… me and this super hot girl who hangs out with us for some reason are gonna search the house… turtleneck u take the dog and this filthy hippie to the graveyard
[first date]
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a librarian.
Me: *doesn’t talk again all night*
She: But WHY are you breaking up with me? Please tell me honestly.
He (sigh): Ok It’s…your “signature sex move”
She: Judgmental Corpse?
I haven’t talked to my sons for a few days so I changed the Hulu, Netflix and Amazon passwords. I heard from all 3 of them within 20 minutes.
My daughter, when I ask her to clean up.
The year is 3426, all of humanity is extinct. Supernatural is somehow still on every week with new episodes.
It doesn’t matter how old you get, buying snacks for a road trip should always look like an unsupervised 9-year-old was given $100.
My ex-girlfriend was an exhibitionist although she preferred the term ‘curator of an art gallery’.
Not sure of the *exact* quality that denotes ‘blood-curdling’ in the context of a scream, but the sound that erupted from me earlier when the frog my cat ‘killed’ suddenly leaped mid-scoop, prrrrrrobably counts.
In other news, nothing beats fresh underwear!
I asked my 6yo to help me open my mail, so he did it and said “there you go Tommy” which would totally make sense if my name was actually Tommy
Told my 9 year old school is cancelled for at least 4 weeks due to coronavirus and he asked why scientists don’t just develop “nanorobots to go in our blood and eat the virus.” So if you lazy scientists could hurry it up he’d appreciate it thnx
*talking to a baby*
Me: Can you say ‘dog’
Baby: *patronizingly* Can you say ‘Worcestershire’
I get more offended when my dog doesn’t say hi when I get home than if my kids don’t acknowledge my presence.
I was raised by my father.
He was a competitive poker player.
Fact: the lovable and cuddly panda bear is generally docile, but will shiv you for a can of Pringles.
Guarantees in life:
1) death
2) taxes
3) me pulling the handle of your car door at the same moment you try to unlock it
when revenge coincides with naptime
She didn’t believe I was single so I showed her my bathroom with the Metallica poster