(at the doctor)
Can u cough for me?
*coughs*
Can u exhale for me?
*exhales*
Can u make kissy noises?
*kissy noises*
Can you beatbox at my wedding? the dj backed out.
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*guy acts like he’s gonna punch me*
GUY: HA! You flinched
ME: yes because I thought you were going to punch me. If you actually punched me I would have been more protected. You see, evolutionarily speaking, the flinchers would have outlived those wh-
GUY: *actually punches me*
*checking out*
Card Reader: Would you like to donate $1.00 to Charity X? □ Y □ N
*enters N*
CR: Are u a selfish prick? □ Y □ N
My son was loudly barking like a dog in the other room and I told my husband to go take care of it and now there’s 2 people loudly barking like dogs.
“if I can play devils advocate for a second” bro just let me talk to the devil himself u are sooo annoying
Fun Fact:
The “eye roll” was created by Eve in the Garden of Eden within 15 min of her first conversation with Adam.
The pottery scene in “Ghost,” except you’re slowly but steadily pushing the other person’s face into the clay.
HER: how was your day?
ME: you know in Die Hard when he runs barefoot over broken glass?
HER: it was that bad??
ME: oh no, it’s just a cool scene…my day was decent
Her: could things get any worse?
Me: *adds raisins* there you go.
If squirrels could talk, they’d have British accents.
Me: You should have been more specific
Wife: When I said fill my car up, obviously I meant fuel
Me: ok that does make more sense
Cashier: Want carry-out help?
Me: Please
*Richard Gere appears in Navy uniform & sweeps me into his arms-I’ve forgotten my groceries
(business meeting)
*drops pen on the floor*
*bends over to pick it up*
*shirt comes untucked*
*all the jelly beans start falling out*
*The First Ever Rodeo
“…Does anyone know what we’re supposed to do?”
[at the gun store]
Me: I’ll take that gun & a box of ammo
Clerk: that’ll be $250
Me [with a gun & a box of ammo]: no
“A little help here, Danny?”
Sorry I’m late. I saw a man licking the pudding off the lid wrapper and lost track of my entire life
[my deathbed]
Kid: Mom where are my shoes?
Wanna be like jesus, walk on a cucumber, its 98% water, so you’re 98% jesus
The CDC says it’s a small boulder the size of a large boulder.
Me: 3 miles today.
Him: On the treadmill?
Me: No, scrolling on Twitter.
My neighbour was rushed to hospital today after a wasp landed on his face. It didn’t sting him, luckily I got it first with my shovel.
The best way to move on after a breakup is to be open to trying new things. Today I’m throwing rocks at joggers.
[driving]
Me: I don’t know where we are.
3-year-old: I do. We’re in the car.
I got caught with my hand in cookie jar again.
I really need a better nickname for her.
Best way to find out if you have any cuts on your hands is to make some lemonade.
My wife takes 13 bikinis for a 4-day beach trip. Meanwhile, I’m rocking the swimming trunks my mom bought at K-Mart in 1991.
My parents let me watch Grease constantly when I was a kid & then they were all, whoa why is our teenager always super drunk in tight pants?
angel: whatcha making?
god: *buffing a shark* dolphin
My siblings and I used to fight over food, but we grew up. Then my child would wake from a dead sleep if I opened a candy bar and she also grew up.
Today I’m eating crackers and there is the damn dog staring at me.
My friend, the police officer: I have to arrest a district court judge for malpractice, the whole story is out in this magazine, look at the cover
Me: Hope u have proof, else u know what you are doing right?
Friend: Huh, what?
Me: You are booking a judge by the cover