My toddler woke up, saw her shadow, and predicted 6 hours of anarchy.
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Me: Can’t. I’m exhausted from all the CrossFit this morning.
Him: It’s pronounced ‘croissant’ & how the hell did you eat the entire dozen?!
You’re in his DMs
I am wanted in 37 states for tax evasion
My mom was concerned about my drinking so I told her I was done drinking for good. She let out a sigh of relief until I told her I was now drinking for evil.
3yo stood in front of the electric door at the grocery store, kicking it and shouting, “Dammit! Open! Why does no one listen to me?”
I think she’s ready to be a parent now.
Twitter is like 192 million people screaming “Mom watch me jump in the pool”
Me: I’m really enjoying this disaster movie.
Him: That’s the news.
Her: you look better without your glasses
Me: oh thanks! You look better without my glasses too!
Instead of just answering the phone when it rings, I prefer to wonder why the hell someone’s calling me and glare at it until it goes away.
wonder why hedge mazes fell out of fashion? we need to get to the centre of this issue.
[getting arrested after heist]
Boss: What happened? You were supposed to be on lookout
Me: *flashback to me sending invites on outlook* you’re not gonna believe this
HILARIOUS DAD: who has two thumbs and can hitchhike going either north or south? This guy!
UNAMUSED MOM: renew the AAA I said. You never know when you’ll need it I said. But noOOooo
Me: I crave your sweetness on my lips
Her: Who are you talking to in there?
M: *stumbles out of pantry with Nutella all over my face* nobody
Autocorrect wants to capitalize bacon, out of respect.
God: go forth and multiply
Me: I was told there would be no math.
“Treat Others the Way You Want to be Treated”
*Buys everyone snacks
‘Welcome home. I barfed over there.’
~cats
I wanted to be Batman when I was a kid. So I kept leading my parents into dark alleys in the bad part of town.
{The Mothburbs}
Mom: Oh no!
Dad: What?
Mom: 16 has that glow about her
Dad: Didn’t you have the talk??
Mom: Sure but you remember your first time?
Dad sighs: Wild horses still can’t keep me away from light bulbs
I need my shit together like those people who match their wrapping paper to their Christmas tree.
awesome that january is over but rude that our reward for getting through january is… february
My son has been awake for 3 hours and he’s been talking for 4 of them.
{Reaching adulthood}
ME: Oh, good, turns out no one knows what they’re doing.{2 minutes later}
ME: Oh, wait, seriously?? NO ONE KNOWS WHAT THEY’RE DOING??
I love how you guys shit on Lohan, Hilton and Kardashian. If one of those bitches said a word to you fools, your balls would explode.
thief: [breaking into my car] why are u in the trunk
My wife’s favorite position was cat style. She’d sit 3 feet away from me. No matter how many times I called her, she wouldn’t come near me
Surely these children should be in bed by now?
– me, anytime after 4pm
Jesus turned water into wine.
I turn food into fertilizer.
We are not the same.
Kinda weird that you can’t tickle yourself, but masturbation works.
My one weakness? Probably my unshakable belief that, despite a total lack of training, I’ll be able to do karate if I’m ever in a fight.
Just sayin’ witchdoctors are gonna have to pick a side when the shit goes down between witches and doctors.