Trying to support my wife’s fitness goals without coming across as ‘too’ supportive. “I’ll watch the kids if you wanna run on the treadmill. Not saying you need to…like only if you want to. Or do something different with that time cuz you’re perfect.”
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[first day as diving instructor]
Guy [from the back]: what’s the signal for a shark
Me: sharks don’t really give signals they just show up
If I had a time machine I’d alter the Big Bang Theory pilot episode so all the characters exploded in the very first scene
ME [licking my fingers clean]: do you have a plate for the bones
CORONER: what the hell have you done
If I’ve ever had a crush on you, it means I’ve daydreamed about our first fight, our wedding, named our future dog, and retained a divorce lawyer.
I realized if I whisper at Alexa, she whispers back
I wish it worked on everyone
me [after tossing your baby a piece of cheese] A dog would have caught it
Facebook: Here are some people you may know
Me: I don’t know them
Facebook: Ok I’ll ask you again next time
Me: No, I still won’t know them
Facebook: ok lol
Me: I’m serious
Facebook: Haha ok
Me: You gonna stop it?
Facebook: *winks* yes
Me: Did you just wink?
Facebook: *winks* no
Times are tough, my daughter just repossessed a paper airplane she made me, over a quarter I owed her from yesterday
me: [walking into high school reunion] this is going to be a nightmare
principal: where’s your pants?
My 4yo saw a squirrel eating an apple and asked if he could eat an apple. So now I’m feeding the squirrel organic carrots and broccoli.
A little baby Yoda in my life
A little baby Yoda by my side
A little baby Yoda is all I need
A little baby Yoda is what I seeMandalorian Number Five
ME: and what are we going to do next time?
7YR OLD: you’re going to let me know in advance before you shave your beard
M: and for you?
7: I’m not going to scream “STRANGER! DANGER!” or call 911
ME: whats our policy on dogs in the office
BOSS: no dogs
ME: [about to hand over my dog’s resume but I pull it back just in time] haha duh
Martial arts movie, starring me
Master: You wish to learn to fight?
Me: Yes
Master: The training is very difficult
Me: Oh then no
The End
The ankle monitor stays on during sex, but only because it has to.
Looking for family dinner suggestions. Last night we had: No! No! No! And Yuck!
If you’re ever hiking in the woods and you get lost, just look up and find the brightest star in the sky and you’ll know which way space is.
*zips up tent*
[Wife]: What happened
[Me,scratched up & clothes ripped]: I was uh..
*flashback to me being chased by a bee* wrestling a bear
Of course I stay hydrated.
Carbohydrated
If you die on the toilet, you die in real life.
MAN: I’ll get pasta & she’ll have the salad
COW: What’s that mean?
MAN: Uh-
COW: I’m fat?
MAN: … You’re a cow?
PIG AT NEXT TABLE: Ooo
Been noticing lots of dogs in this part of the country that look just like my old dog
He’s a ladies man
The best murder weapon would be a tupperwear lid because nobody would ever find it
I knew my ex gf was going to dump me so i set up a profile called “Add Profile” on her Netflix account and 3 yrs later i’m still watching
Did you hear that John Travolta might have the coronavirus? He has chills that were multiplying.
I’ll see myself out.
I’m sick and tired of people telling me to turn off my lights to save the environment. I tried it once and I hit a cyclist.
spiraling out of control, anyone need anything?
I’ve never been to hell, but I once forgot to buy batteries for my 6 year old son’s toys on Christmas morning.
If I could be in two places at once, I’d be in bed twice.
Australia is like someone’s still playing jumanji