GENIE: and for your first wish?
ME: I wish that the end of every bag of chips was the start of another
GENIE: holy shit!
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Everyone’s a gangster until they have to roll forward while sitting in an office chair.
I just did my own taxes for the first time and I’m glad I did because I’m getting 8 million dollars back this year!
My next-door-neighbor is such a bitch that regardless of what she says to me; I simply reply, “You’re barking up the wrong tree.”
[about to be murdered]
ME: *whispers into murderer’s ear*
MURDERER: No, I do not want to hold hands.
No one:
Absolutely no one:
Alexa: I’ve found one zoo near you with monkeys.
Skipping rocks with 11 at the lake thinking how great it is she’s not looking at a screen when she says, “This is fun, do you think there’s an app for this?”
Once upon a time, a woman kissed a frog and found a prince.
*I whisper to myself, filling out another application at the cat shelter*
Geez man, take it easy.
Drunkenly got behind the wheel last night
I have two boyfriends!
Well, I’m dating two men
Okay. Ben and I are just friends
Same with Jerry
Fine. I have ice cream.
But it’s love.
I load the dishwasher with delicious and reckless abandon, laughing aloud as I do: HAHAHA, MOTHER, how do you like me now!
8: Grandma’s car just pulled in.
Me: OMG please help me fix this
Rolling your eyes is NOT a design skill.
If I was Taylor Swift I would only date men whose job has a lot of terms that are easy to rhyme with.
How are you gonna be in the throes of heartbreak and have to write a song rhyming with “line of scrimmage”?
Just once I’d like a number between 1 and 10 to think of me.
Them: Have you tried dieting?
Me: Have you ever tried pizza?
2020 is the worst Choose Your Own Adventure book ever
I wonder if the dinosaurs were this goofy when they had their extinction level event.
One of my favorite things about sports is when they put the designated object in the designated area ahhhh what a rush
I always wanted to be on Family Feud but there were never 5 people in my family speaking to each other at one time.
A broken heart won’t kill you, but it can make you feel like dying.
me tryna look cute after stress eating for the last 17 months
ASSISTANT: People are worried you won’t do all the things you promised.
TRUMP: I’ll just blame someone else.
ASSISTANT: Like who?
TRUMP:
Ahhh the sweet smell of Christmas
klingon
*two claps*
klingoff
It’s a myth that we only use 10% of our brain, but I definitely know people who use less than that.
Almost 15 years ago my son was born and you find yourself picturing things they might do in there lives. In that moment, I knew that one day I’d be at high school football game on Friday night watching him.
15 years later and I’m here. Watching him play the tuba at halftime.
This remains in the top 10 best memes of all time.
If you’re doing parenting right, you’re running a jail or you’re an enforcer for the mafia. There’s no in between.
Vote for me and I promise to make fast food places put menus in a place where you can figure out what you want BEFORE you get to the window.
Every single headline could read: “Idiots Continue To Do Stuff”