[family picnic]
ME: *flipping brats on the grill*
WIFE: have you seen the kids
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Rob somebody at gunpoint today, show the world how serious you are at nicknaming your new friend Robert.
When I die, I am going to haunt a hot dog and make it jump out of the bun like a dolphin.
Me: I’m worried my cold is making me deaf
Doctor: What are the symptoms?
Me: They’re a yellow cartoon family
Gandhi would go on fasts for weeks and remain peaceful. I go 3 hours without eating and I’m yelling at dust.
Robber: [hands teller a note]
Teller: [reads note] You want me to “pretend” to hand over all the money?
R: Yes, and hurry it up!
T: Why?
R: We’d never done this before so we’re doing a dry run to work out the kinks before we rob you tomorrow.
T:
R: How am I doing so far?
Win every disagreement by saying ” I know. I’m from the future.” Because they can argue with you, but not science.
Friend: She really likes you.
Me: Oh yeah?
Friend: She thinks you hung the moon.
Me: *who has been plotting for years to strangle the moon* Not yet.
Garfield creator breaks silence to give impassioned speech. “It’s pronounced Jarfield” he says through tears
People always ask Jesus to take the wheel but there were no cars back then so how good a driver can he really be
“daddy I hear footsteps on the roof, it must be Santa”
*checks santa tracker* new zealand? *grabs frying pan and knife* go get in bed, son
The most important thing I learned in life, and I can’t stress enough, it doesn’t matter where you went to college.
The only thing that matters is that you’re really hot.
What I learned from Titanic was that u need to have sex as soon as possilble with the person u like cause u never know what might happen.
Breaking news:
I wish the Popemobile was outfitted more like a little aquarium for him. Put a treasure chest in there, maybe even a scuba guy.
when i met him, i should’ve recognized the red flags because he immediately wanted to move in with me. 11 months later he still has no job or money and i can’t do anything without him watching my every move.
like, i know he’s my son but he’s gotta get it together.
Can you guys make me famous? I’m tired of being a meaningful contributor to society.
[1st date]
So, what’s your back story?
“I have scoliosis”
No, I mean your BACK STORY, like your history
“Oh! I got scoliosis as a child”
I don’t know much about women but they love containers that hold smaller containers.
My relationship advice?
Play Chess instead.
It’s less complicated.
I can’t believe it’s already been 10 zoips since I invented my own system for measuring time.
Ghostbusters commercial: who you gonna call?
Ghost haunting me: [looks at me nervously]
Me: lmao like you’re scarier than a phone call
My life coach refuses to tell me which motivational quote will protect me from corona virus 😡
kind of messed up that baby blue is a color
if your baby is blue ur doing a pretty bad job
See?! THIS is why we don’t invite Elsa to the lake house in the summer….
[Chocolate Cake 101]
Sober: Use a fork
Stoned: Use your fingers
Drunk: Use your face
If an interviewer asks you: “Where do you see yourself in 5 years?” say “I don’t know, did you see me pull up in a DaLorean?”
Dr: I need a urine and stool sample.
Me: *hands him my underwear*
Dr:……
Me: Its all there.
Why did they call them buddy cops and not palice?
*seductively slides hand along store shelf to distract you*
*grabs last bag of Cheetos*
*tucks, rolls, and runs away*
Kids be like “That is the funniest thing I’ve ever heard” and it’s just the word duty.