Self-control (n.): Charlize Theron keeping a straight face on when the mirror tells her Kristen Stewart is prettier than she is.
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Tobacco causes Cancer
Alcohol causes Dancer
[exam room]
me: *waits patiently*
doctor: *enters physicianly*
Daughter saw old clothes I’ve saved for sentimental value & said ‘I bet you cried when the last dinosaur died too’. She’s out of the will.
I only wear my Rolex when I go to car dealerships to watch the salesmen fight over me
Fact: The purpose of waking up with hangovers when you’re young is to prepare you for how it feels to wake up when you’re old.
We should remove the warning labels from everything and let the stupidity problem take care of itself.
[edison inventing lightbulb]
[match appears over his head]
I have an idea
[MOM GROUP CHATS]
Sadie says practice is at 1.
Maddie told me 12:30.
What color socks should they wear?
I heard it was at 4.
Who is in charge of snack today?
I can’t get Addi there until 2:15.
Kimberleigh has a gluten allergy.[DAD GROUP CHATS]
Practice at 1.
👍
I have obtained an authentic audio recording of the two girls who work at the vegan ice cream place saying I “always pick the perfect toppings” and “look too handsome to be lactose intolerant”.
People give a detailed description to a police sketch artist after seeing someone for only a few seconds.
Meanwhile I’m 65% sure my wife has green eyes.
DNA doesn’t make you a parent. Stepping on a lego guy on your way to the bathroom at 3 am does
When you pick your nose after dusting the house
I get it crossfitters, if I did that I’d be angry, too.
Answering spam calls just to brush up on my pig latin is way more entertaining than I expected.
[Jesus opens his fortune cookie]
SOMEONE WILL BETRAY YOU
“Uh oh”
YOUR LUCKY NUMBERS ARE 4 2 0 6 9
“Haha nice!”
[on the phone]
me: i let the cat out of the bag
sis: what??
me: …too early at the vet and she hid under the desk
sis: oh phew
me: then i spilled the beans
sis: what?!
me: …all over the floor at dinner
sis: omg ok
me: also i told mum you’re pregnant okiloveyoubye
When your chip basket is empty and your server’s busy.
Took a woman back to my apartment last night. She was disgusted and refused to come inside. Oh sure, it’s cool when the Ninja Turtles live in the sewer…
Judge: Show us on this doll where the man hurt you.
Me: He didn’t. But watch this.
[I make the doll do a backflip]
Judge: Holy shit lol
If you attempt to rob a bank you won’t have any trouble with rent/food bills for the next 10 years whether you are successful or not.
You’re a guy, therefore you can’t “hehehehe”.
You never need to ask if there’s something in my pocket. I’m never happy to see anyone.
Judge: For the crimes you have committed you will go to prison for 10 years
Me: That’s a long sentence!
Judge: Ok – “you get 10 years”
Pretty much the most frightening part of my day is when I get a notification that my mother has tagged me in a post on Facebook.
New Subway rule: You must give the person in front of you a wedgie if they take more than 5 seconds to choose what kind of bread they want.
a depressed king of the sea is called a posighdon tell your friends.
DR: your IQ test results are abysmal
ME: is… is that good?
[ DEATH CERTIFICATE ]
Cause of Death: Sent girlfriend Eye Roll Emoji
Someone just said the secret to getting ripped is no sugar, gluten, or carbs
Sounds like I’m eating water and air today
I guess I didn’t lobby hard enough to make extroduce the word of the year.