PSA: when the family come to identify the body don’t yell “abracadaver” as you remove the sheet.
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Before you marry someone, try decorating a Christmas tree together.
“I can’t believe you string lights like that, Brad. I’m out.”
*first and last day as a therapist *
patient: I have anxiety that there’s an intruder in my room
me: you’re not alone
patient: aaaahhhhhhh
the avengers: “the city is saved”
the city:
Her: I love a bad guy
Me: I’ve got some prison tatts.
Her: Ooh. Show me one.
Me: [pulls up my sleeve and points at my arm] This one is of Alcatraz.
Not to brag but I can chop an onion without crying
And I can cry without chopping an onion
Is it normal for a cat to get smarter? When Max was a kitten he was really dumb but now he reads at an 8th grade level
[at the vets]
He’s really bad. He can’t fly.
“He’s a cat though.”
[very sarcastically] oh I’m sorry is this the vets or the excuses clinic?
[road trip]
Child: I spy with my little eye…something with a huge bald spot and-
Me: PLAY SOMETHING ELSE
[mysterious British man rescues me]
Me: How?
Him: Bond [introducing himself as we leave prison], bail bond.
I don’t know, guys. The whole “play dead when a bear attacks” thing sounds suspiciously like something the bears would come up with…
[feather on the ground]
4-year-old: It’s a pterodactyl feather!
Me: Pterodactyls don’t have feathers.
4: I know. They fell off.
What if the Daleks start eating an apple a day
THERAPIST: How did you feel when you first realized you had a Gloria Gaynor obsession?
ME: First I was afraid. I was petrified.
If its a ghost ship why does it have to be on water
If anyone is missing a cup it’s probably in my daughter’s room
The date was going great until she spooked me and then I squirted her with ink and quickly swam away
Photographer: Ok, let’s get a good natural smile. Relax and just let it happen.
Me:
Wife: you need to prepare the turkey
Me: *sits turkey down* dude this isn’t gonna be a good day for you
Why are coroners in movies always eating sandwiches? Anyway… Good Morning.
FBI: you are so busted!
Me: omg thanks 🤭
hey sorry I missed your text, I am processing a non-stop 24/7 onslaught of information with a brain designed to eat berries in a cave.
*5yo curses incessantly after falling.*
*Me realizing where he got it from: 😬*
Hubby: “Are there any trophy stores open? You deserve a mother of the year award.”
Surprise your girlfriend at work by wearing a ski mask and taking everyone hostage
Well, I’m going to take a hot shower. Its like a regular shower, but with me in it.
[God naming things with his good friend Brent]
God: Shirts, but for your legs
Brent: Pants
God: Nice. Ok what about the sound of a dog breathing
Brent: Pants
God: You’re killing it today, Brent
Fast and Furious 75: Tricked out motorized scooter racing in the assisted living bingo hall.
I probably should stop talking about how dumb my dog is considering he’s been homeschooled his whole life.
me: [whispers] “don’t tell my wife i made bacon in the toaster”
my wife: [getting out car] “what the hell happened?!”
all 6 firemen: “he made bacon in the toaster”
Your 20s: stop eating bread for 1 day, lose 5 pounds
Your 40s: stop eating for 1 day, gain 5 pounds
I’ve dated a vegetarian, trust me, they put meat in their mouth.