[everyone in the STI clinic glaring at my Pokemon shirt]
“No no it means like, I want to catch all the Pokemon”
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Me: We start with 20 primary teeth and end up with 32 permanent teeth.
Squirrel: ours never stop growing
Walrus: and growing
Rat: and growing
Elephant: and growing
Groundhog: and growing
Podcasters who eat while recording: why do you hate your audience?
Pansexuals get it on in the kitchen
The only thing more satisfying than doing big yard projects yourself is paying someone to do it while you occasionally watch out the window.
Some of these fake tans look like an old Tupperware container that’s had marinara sauce in it.
My 5yr old eats chicken wings with the precision of a hitman cleaning his rifle.
Interviewer: “Are you good at making snap decisions?”
*20 minutes later*
Me: “No.”
[after sleeping in a slightly different position] I have gathered you all here to read my last will and testament…
i don’t understand all these newfangled apps. like “phone”
Today is the only day you can ghost someone and blame it on being festive.
Me: I can tell my left from my right accurately 100% of the time when I do the L thingy with my hand
Interviewer:….ok. And weaknesses?
5yo: if superman & batman had a big fight, superman could throw him into space where he’d suffocate’. I’m raising a problem solver you guys.
My 6yo set a timer so that I could have a rest after eating. When the alarm went off it was time for me to go play with him.
He set the timer for 11 seconds. Plenty of time for a rest.
This dogs tail is more talented than I will ever be
I need everyone to calm down I broke into this house to pet your dog not steal him
I like to send little notes in my kid’s lunchbox, like “Sorry the Wheat Thins are stale, that’s what happens when you leave the box open.”
[knocks on neighbor’s door]
HI CAN I COME TO YOUR YELLING PARTY
Friend: If you could have dinner with anyone alive or dead, who would you choose?
Me: Definitely an alive person
Friend:
Me: Better conversation
Just said “No you can’t have an apple because you’ll spoil the pizza that’s being delivered very soon.”
I shouldn’t be allowed to parent.
Jesus probably figured things out when everyone kept calling it the Last Supper.
[At crime scene]
Detective: You need to take this seriously
Me: I am
*picks up leg bone*
Me: I found this humerus. Lol.
D: You’re fired.
13: *shoulders slumped dramatically, walking away from me* NO ONE ELSE’S MOM still makes them clean their room in a pandemic!
Someone at work said they saw me over the weekend and they said hi and I looked but just kept on walking and I was like yeah.
Been noticing lots of dogs in this part of the country that look just like my old dog
He’s a ladies man
At McDonalds looking at the menu through opera binoculars.
Not sure why iPhoto doesn’t have a “that’s my ex, please stop” button
My girlfriend told me I was getting sex today. Oops. I better not jinx it.
*knocks on morning wood*
Interviewer: What are you passionate about? I want someone who’s full of passion. Passion is so motivational.
Me: I’m passionate about a paycheque, sir.
The great thing about playing the accordion is no one knows if you’re good at it or not.