What base is it when you’re flirting with a woman and she asks, “Are you all right?”
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Everyone was texting her good morning sunshine, so I texted her “good morning solar eclipse”
Yeah, don’t do that.
Surprise your girlfriend at work by wearing a ski mask and taking everyone hostage
My alarm went off way too early today. I tried hitting the snooze button but as it turns out – my kid bites.
[showering] *comes up with cure to every disease known to man
[toweling off] Ah towels are fluffy. Duhhh, what was that other thing again?
Me: Mozart was a great composer, but now that he’s dead he’s a great
Wife: I swear to God I’ll divorce you
Me: *through tears* Decomposer.
[During sex]
*Knock on the door*
Woman: Shit! It’s my boyfriend
Man: Oh shit!!! *Pulls out and jumps down from the bed* What do we do?
Woman: Hide in the closet. Quick!
Man: Okay, smart. Let me just…wait…
Woman: What?
Man: Karen, I’m your husband!
Why be part of the problem when you can be all of it?
Will I ever be a good parent?
*shakes baby*
Wait a minute, if you’re here
[cut to Magic 8-Ball in crib]
I once dated a girl for 3 months because we were stuck in a hammock.
Sorry sir, I don’t do colonoscopies until at least the fourth date, maybe the second sometimes.
” All I’m saying is if your girl wasn’t thinking about me during sex, why is she always screaming my name?”
-God
My husband asked what I wanted for Valentine’s day
Apparently ‘a night out with my boyfriend’ is not an acceptable answer
If you’re feeling bad about yourself just know that today I awkwardly asked a cashier what they did for a living.
My 6-year-old the first two min of every morning on spring break:
A shark is a predator with little fish but is it still a predator with a mosasaurus because a mosasaurus can eat it? What about a prognathadon & a titanoboa? A hyena? Is Thanos a predator? Can Thanos eat sharks or
If Skyrim has taught me anything, it’s that you should always check people’s urns for gold. Don’t be afraid. Pull grandma off the mantle.
If you were to open my fridge right now, you would ask yourself two things:
1. Why is there so much soy sauce
2. How did you make it past 14 years old
*horse walks into a bar*
*horse walks into a bar*
*horse walks into a bar*
*horse walks into an optometrist*
Horse: Holy shit please help me
It’s ok computer, I go to sleep after 20 minutes of inactivity too.
Teacher: Ok, which of you stole the thesaurus?
Student: Not me
Student: Not me
Student: Nay myself
Student: Not me
I’ve been standing here for 30 minutes and it hasn’t even moved.
2008- This Master’s degree is going to change my life!
2019- I’ve got the worst pajamas in this dollar store.
Obi-wan: *holding baby* Let’s make her a famous princess
Droid: What about the other baby?
Obi-wan:*shrugs* Dump him in a desert somewhere
6500 languages in the world and you decide you want to talk shit.
me: I wish I would have put on sunscreen
wife: I have some in my purse
me: naaaaahhhh
I farted in the Apple Store on Black Friday and everyone got angry at me…
It’s not my fault they don’t have Windows.*I’ll show myself out*
Casper is not only the friendliest, but the most emotionally available ghost. His life is an open boo.
“i wouldnt be caught dead” someone throws a net over my dead corpse “gotcha!!” “noooo”
People who have drive and determination impress me. Yesterday one of my kitchen drawers got stuck and I was like, guess I’m never using a fork again.
ME: Whoa, these people are hardcore Goths
CORONER: How many times do I have to tell you that they’re corpses, you’re looking at corpses
Yesterday I drove past a sperm bank that had gone out of business.
I guess that means no one came.