Charcuterie is french for “I touched every single piece of this food, enjoy”.
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Prayers for my distraught 4yo whose pet leaf just blew away in a gust of wind
2-year-old: Dad?
Me: What?
2: Are chickens real?
Me:
2:
Me: No one knows.
Hate it when I can’t find my slippers so I have to stand upon the wings of my pet pterodactyl Benedict as he fetches me the morning paper
[rolls down car window]
“Sir there’s a baby on your roof!”
Wait, if the baby is there… [sees coffee strapped in car seat]
Oh thank god!
Tonight I wanna stay at home and watch a movie with my boyfriend.
Can someone recommend a good boyfriend?
Just seconds before we make the jump to light speed the captain nears my console to check my calculations. I minimise solitaire just in time
My crush suddenly stopped texting me today. Either she is in the gravest of danger or she spontaneously decided she hates my guts. Those are literally the only two things that could have happened.
I just had a near death experience
Death: I SAID 6 FEET, GODAMIT
funny how siblings excel at different things for instance I’m the funny one and my brother is the successful one
If you breed Catdog with a catfish, you have a 25% chance of getting a pure cat.
I’ve known my drug dealer since I was this high.
This day in history. 1914. The first WWI trenches were dug if you don’t count the one my grandfather was already hiding from the officers in
Country rooooads
Let’s-a goooo
It’s-a meeeee
MariooooooMushroom Kingdooom
Mama Miaaaa
Take me Hoooome
Rainbow Roaaad
Discovered 24 long forgotten beers in the basement refrigerator so I’m about to crack a cold case.
Math teacher; suppose you have five friends
Me:
can’t wait til they legalize outside
What North Korea really needs is a decent haircut.
Older women aren’t afraid to ask for exactly what they want.
Doughnuts. I want doughnuts.
I see you like sex.
*apparently not an acceptable thing to say to a pregnant woman.
Step1) Buy 100 cans of tuna
Step2) Drain the cans into a bucket
Step3) Soak ur cloths in the tuna water
Step4) Go outside & get all the cats
Here’s my ONLY problem with Evolution:
When the chocolate chip evolved, how did the raisin not go extinct?
To the company that did an exhausting application and interview process for a job they did not choose me for,
I wish you the bes…eechingly WORST
Flying cars sound great but have you seen people drive? No way man
My tax refund was so big that I didn’t even have to dilute my body wash with water this month.
The guy in the car behind me is really taking a no man left behind approach to picking his nose
I’ve been listening to the official workout station on Pandora for 3 months and I’m still fat, I’m calling bullshit.
A horror movie but it’s just a married couple trying to work from home and one of them is chewing
Scientist: knowing that flamingos turn pink because they eat shrimp, we fed one nothing but Gatorade for 6 months
Reporter: so what happened?
Scientist: it’s dead.
“Deb, every year I tell you I don’t want to do a holiday card, you tell me it will be fine, and then Junior does something obnoxious in the photo that you claim is ‘cute.’ And look, we’re right on schedule.”
*At Super Bowl Party*
Hey baby, they’ve got a WHOLE bunch of shrimp here, did you bring the big purse?