[sees giant spider in house]
[tells girlfriend “I got this”]
[slowly rolls up magazine]
[uses magazine as megaphone & yells out the window “SAVE US!!”]
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“This is NPR.” Yeah, we know. You just spent the past 4 minutes whispering the news over a jazz saxophone solo.
Why is it called stupidity and not a total eclipse of the smart?
am i anxious? yes. but is that going to stop me from doing things i love? also yes
ME: *making tiny wigs for birds*
BALD EAGLE: finally
waiter: i’m sorry sir, but your card has been declined
me: run it again
waiter: i ran it three times
me: *to my date* omg this is so embarrassing. do you mind taking care of it?
her: no problem! *grabs waiter by the collar and pulls him close* he said run it again
I don’t get to work from home but that won’t stop me from showing up in my bathrobe.
ME: “Hey, the 1980s called and they want their pants back”
STRANGER WHO IS SECRETLY A TIME COP: “They called?! That’s a level 3 violation!”
Is there a Twitter acronym for “Ur screenshot tweet is really funny, but my anxiety about ur phone battery % prevents me from enjoying it”?
Dad (92): Please don’t put that <item> there.
Me: Okay. Where would you like me to put it?
Dad: Anywhere you like.
Me: (moves item)
Dad: Not THERE.
“Are you sure?”
“I’m sure.”
“You’ve tried all of them on?”
“This one.”
Why are we forcing a single payer military plan on everyone? There should be a basic military that covers you, and if you want to bomb another country on top of that, you pay for it yourself. It’s about choice
Now I can’t wear my nude crystal dress this weekend.
Thanks, Rihanna.
Anyone who says cheetahs are the fastest land mammals hasn’t seen me move a cat off an expensive area rug before he pukes.
Doctor: I’m afraid you have very little time left
Me: oh no
Doctor: my next appointment is here
Me: ohhh jesus I thought
Doctor: he’s gonna help you make a will
“Eat your dinner so that lamb didn’t die for nothing” – will ensure you get your daughter’s helping, too.
Went into the kitchen and found my daughter and her boyfriend making popcorn …..
One. Kernel. At. A. Time.
Sometimes when I’m having a particularly stressful day, I take a pregnancy test to remind myself that at least one thing in my life is still going as planned.
I opened this great self-care app.
It’s called “the fridge.”
I wonder if Mariah Carey knows it’s possible to sing a high note without pointing her finger in the air?
I’m told I look very good for a man twice my age.
Ignoring your text is easy. It’s having to park my car 8 blocks away so you think I’m not home when you drive by that’s awkward.
Them: Come out with us tonight. You might meet your future husband.
Me: Why are you threatening me?
Be warned that if you buy your 5 year old a watch, you are going to get minute by minute updates on what the current time is
I follow so many accounts that have these amazing inspirational quotes and I’m over here like….
“I need coffee”
“Wine is my bestie”
“My kids are weird”
“Laundry sucks”So here’s my inspirational quote:
Fight like you’re the third monkey trying to get on Noah’s Ark.
We paid off the car and suddenly the bank doesn’t call or write anymore. It’s like the last 4 years meant nothing.
Harsh but true birthday card from my parents
what’s something i can do besides get married where i can be the center of attention and everyone cries and tells me how beautiful i am
My husband bought harmonicas for our kids and now I need to find a new family
I refuse to care about a royal baby in England while the Burger King remains heirless. Does no one remember the horrors of the Burger Wars
[safely surrounded by a thousand miles of land]
Me: (whispering) more like shark weak