gooooob morning. i’m being told. someone came down the chimney last night. this is preposterous. i would’ve lost my mind
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when I was 8 i stayed for dinner at a friend’s house and at dinner his Mom asked how everyone’s day was and his Dad said ‘A corpse exploded in the van again, got some in Gary’s hair too.’ His Dad was a Funeral Director and i was not allowed to have dinner there anymore.
pros & cons of going out with me
pros: you’re not alone anymore
cons: me
oh you wanna fight?!
The worst thing about dating is bringing a nice guy home after dinner, only to find your husband home early from work.
You know the best side effect of losing weight? Supersonic hearing. I can hear the crinkle of a candy wrapper or bag of chips through walls.
Him: You think I’m a liar just because I’m a man?
Me: You think I’m dumb just because I’m blonde?
Him: Yes.
Me: Glad we’re on the same page.
I thought stacking Oreos and displaying them in a decorative jar was a great idea, but I’m just eating them instead.
April 1st is the class clown of days.
Parenthood is so weird. I don’t know why I say thank you to my 3yo every time she gives me her booger.
Don’t be mean to people. With the way the economy is going, you might have to eat those people and your anger is just going to make their meat all stressed out and stringy. Choose love.
Let me play you the song of my children.
*open and closes door 20 times*
[petting stranger’s dog]
Me: what kind of dog is it?
Him: a hot dog please stop
If you want to get more out of people, squeeze them really hard.
a fun prank is when ur friemd about to sit in a chair u pul the chair out from under them and replace it w/ a fancier mor comfortabal chair
#SignsAGuyDoesntLikeYou he takes a long time to reply to your letters and blames it on the “prison mail system”
[during sex]
him: Im so sorry. This literally never happens
[takes out telescope to watch comet]
there are three types of writers;
1) those who plot their books
2) those who discover their plot along the way
3) those who know what will happen but their book is a bit feral still, needs a bath, has bitten and will bite again
I carry an extra fish stick behind my ear like a Marlboro.
Me five minutes ago: I’m not sure what the United Kingdom is
Me now: very good result in Newcastle Central, bodes poorly for the Tories
So inspired right now.
Anyone can recommend a good Hobbit movie?
For parents, college is the opposite of kidnapping. They demand $100,000 from you or they’ll send your kid back.
My teen: How do you not know how to play video games?
Also my teen: So all you have to do is press left, right, up, circle, triangle, square all while holding onto the upper left button.
Flame has not adjusted back to house life yet. She stole a cinnamon roll from the kitchen and ate it.
Teens running from a party after the cops get called invented parkour
It’s actually a little puzzling that the Centaurs for Disease Control didn’t approve horse dewormer.
[god inventing humans]
angel: what does it do
god: creates, loves, invents…
angel: awesome
god: storms area 51 in the style of an anime character
angel: wtf
god: it also makes quiche
You ask me for the time and notice my watch is actually a live shrimp hugging my wrist, he whispers “12:30” but he’s guesstimating as shrimps usually do
My fortune cookie reads “I peed in your fried rice” and it’s hand written…
Miley Cyrus has her tongue out more than Jabba the Hutt.