My 2yo kissed his piece of pizza before eating and honestly why isn’t that customary?
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I put out peanuts for the birds every morning and they have started bringing me elastic bands. I don’t speak bird, what could this mean, and do I have to eat the elastic bands now?
The balloon at the gender reveal party popped into a cloud of green smoke so I guess my friends are having a Baby Yoda.
Please, please, please… invite me to your party. I promise I won’t show up.
Mugger: “Hand over your wallet and that ring you’re wearing.”
Me: “You can have my wallet but I’m going swimming and I need the inflatable to help me stay afloat.”
Gonna ask this security guard if I can please have security footage of the sick parallel parking job I just executed next to his building.
As your mom always said, “Heavy is the head that wears the clown.”
[Watching my husband gag having difficulty swallowing an omega-3 fish oil soft gel]
Me: Well, well, well Mr. “you can take it all, baby” it aint so easy is it?
The best time of day for a prostate examination is 6:30 because both hands are at the bottom.
I’ll stop wearing black when they make a darker color
Coating a few marbles in melted chocolate to mix in with my Whoppers as a surprise for future me.
*scampers over to ice cream truck*
Yes, I’ll take the SpongeBob who looks like he just opened the Ark of the Covenant, please.
Father-in-law criticizing too much tablet time for my kids.
Things I have suggested for him to do with my kids:
Just Dance
Plant Flowers
Park
Play Cards
Bake Cookies
Play Softball
Go for a walk
Watch Encanto
Fly kitesThings my FIL has agreed to do with my kids:
I just bought some land with a stranger and now we have a lot in common.
Spring allergies- because my body likes to panic about plant sex
It’s OK, The Phantom Menace. I also came out in 1999 and am a bit disappointing
I wanna meet the person whose parents are super disappointed he went to medical school instead of becoming a stand-up comedian
[sees my husband cry as i walk down the aisle at our wedding]
hey, this priest bothering you?
Sometimes I need “Eye of the Tiger” playing to get me to leave my bed.
I really dislike my CW, so everyday I steal a Kleenex from her desk. In about 500 days, she’s gonna be pissed.
[1st date]
Him: What do you do for fun?
Me: I like pretending I’m someone else.
Him: Wow? You do impersonations?
Me: No, I steal identities.
I like my men, like I like my coffee.
So hot, that I have to keep blowing.
My browser asks “are you sure?” when I clear my history as if theres anyone more sure of what theyre doing than someone clearing his history
the joker: lol i’m going to get rid of the one thing you care of most
batman [clenching fist]: pancakes
robin [slowly being dropped into pool of sharks]: what
Perverts have made it so you can’t even park your makeshift surveillance van conspicuously outside girls’ college diving team meets anymore.
Get married so when you pour your heart out, someone is always there to say, ‘what?’
whole milk is 100% milk. 2% milk is 2% milk and 98% also milk. skim milk is 0% milk but somehow also 100% milk. hope this helps
*ruins your party with a can of Serious String*
When Leo said, “To all my friends, you know who you are” he was talking about the bear
Boss: Did you take Mike’s stapler and leave a note demanding that he meet you for drinks later?
Me: WHAT!?! Noooo….wait, did he say yes?