Bought a standing desk yesterday. Today I bought a bar stool.
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Judge: You have power of attorney?
Me:*curling two briefcases* Pfft. What do you think, bruh?
She died as she lived—cursing while stirring a jar of natural peanut butter.
you can do it, they said…put your back into it, they said
Me: Facebook is trying to silence me!!!
My wife: no I just changed ur password because you kept replying “wow…really??” to all our friends posts
A haiku to my boss who asked me to work this weekend:
Ha ha ha ha ha
Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha
Ha ha ha ha no
Hubs: Columbus discovered America not asking for directions so why do I.
Me: He set out for India and went the wrong way.
Hubs: Oh.
Me: Yep.
Not to barg, but I majored in illiteracy.
[me, watching sports] ah yes, go ball
Guy sitting next to me on the plane is also scrolling twitter. Trying to scope out his @ so I can DM to ask if I can put my head on his shoulder for a nap.
When people are kissing in public, it’s weird how angry they get when you try and join in.
Jello shots because who doesn’t like adding a lot of work and time to taking a shot…
i wonder if jesus thinks about me when he’s on the toilet or if it’s a one way street
Me: [stuffs sock down trousers before date]
Date: Wow your knee is huge
Halloween costumes
Age 10: monster
Age 25: sexy fireman
Age 35: sexy mobilization to end systematic oppression of underrepresented groups
My 12 yo has this bizarre illness where he suddenly needs to spend 20 minutes pooping every time we start doing the dishes.
the vaccine could be radioactive dumpster water & it would still be healthier than most of what I put into my body during quarantine
[expensive restaurant date]
me: waiter, the William please
mosquitos out here really acting like it’s ok to go person to person without using a rubber
MAMA GRAPE (to Baby Grape): If you’re going outside, be sure not to wear sunscreen so you get all dry and wrinkly!!
PAPA GRAPE: Ah, you’re raisin them well…
*road trip*
husband, day 1: absolutely no eating in the car
husband, day 4: *handing brisket to the kids in the backseat*
Her: I love a tough guy
Me: I’ve got some scars
Her: Ooh. Show me one.
Me: [pulls up shirt and points to bellybutton] This is from when I was born
I asked my driving instructor if I passed my driving test, he told me “no” as we swam ashore.
When you get a 3D printer, don’t mess around. Go straight to printing money.
Me: My sex life is like your car.
Friend: What? Sleek, performance-inspired, 6-speed, classic & acclaimed?
Me: Nope. Electric powered.
I can’t wait until Twitter gives you the option to block yourself. I say some real dumb shit on here and I shouldn’t have to deal with it.
Cheerleaders:
“U. G. L. Y. YOU AIN’T GOT NO ALIBI, YOU’RE…”{Guidance counselor glares at them}
Cheerleaders:
“… beautiful on the inside…”
*Clap clap*
Why do people say raw sewage. Saying raw makes it sound like it becomes better if cooked properly.