ANNOUNCEMENT: DENIM CLUB MEETING IS CANCELLED. AVERY RIPPED HIS JEAN VEST AT THE SUPERMARKET. HE’S OKAY, BUT VERY UPSET.
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I may not be the brightest crayon in the tool shed but at least I’m great at analogies.
people say opposites attract but I say find a partner who’s deranged in the same ways you are and double your capacity to be annoying
Mum to child: Have you got a sticker we could use?
Child produces 6 billion.
I just searched for a picture of “desserts” and a photo of grapes popped up. What kind of sick person has grapes for dessert?
Aries: You pissed off the moon. You’re on your own.
Someone should have warned me, that when you have kids, they talk to you, like, ALL. THE. TIME.
Can we stop calling it ‘Breaking news’ and start calling it ‘bloody hell what now’
It’s important to set an alarm the first day of school, so you remember to pick up the kids
Oh, I shouldn’t worry? Why didn’t I think of that?
Sharing a bed should be like boxing:
• meet in middle
• fist-bump
• put in mouthguards
• go to separate corners
• no touching until 1st bell
Gas stations be like:
Here’s some complimentary filthy water and a filthy sponge/squeegee so you can “wash” your windshield. You are very welcome.
Janitor (pulling a dead cat out of Hadron Collider) Here’s your problem right here.
How about a game where Mario gets a job and gets his coins like the rest of us.
There’s no gangsta way to say “Oopsie Daisy.” I know that now.
I buy a lot of ringtones for someone who hasn’t answered a phone call since 2008.
girlfriend: we need to talk
me: ok what’s up
girlfriend: I’m pregnant
me: OH AND I SUPPOSE THAT’S MY FAULT TOO
Adopt your boss.
They can’t tell you what to do if they’re grounded.
Forget Prince Charming. I want a bed that changes sheets daily and legs that always feel clean shaven and when the two meet each night the sleep is magical.
ME: [throws bouquet]
FLORIST: i asked you not to do that
PARENTS: when we were ur age we bought a house for $10,000
ME: oh yeah? well did u have.. THIS?!
*gestures to 114 gross Oreo flavors*
I’m so excited, I just sold my first house. I’m not even a real estate agent and my neighbors are furious for selling their house without asking.
Jesus: “BRAINS!”
*everyone looks scared*
Jesus: “Just kidding! I’m fine, I’m fine.”
I don’t understand how people use plastic wrap successfully.
Fellas, stop putting rings in our food and let us eat our Crème Brûlée in peace.
Vodka giveth and vodka taketh away…
It giveth me a hangover and taketh away my underpants.
Amen.
I started to cook breakfast and my 8yo hopped up to me and chirped, “I can make eggs.”
And then she did.
She made perfect scrabbled eggs.
How long has she been trolling me, sitting at the breakfast table pretending that she cannot even pour herself a drink?
manipulators b like yes i hurt u but now u hate me so I’m the true victim
I’ve been introducing myself as Jim The Chosen One ever since I was named milk monitor in grade 6.
Bigfoot keeps his legs in shape by doing sasquats
ad for jk rowling’s fantastic beasts and where to find them:
wat if harry poter was pokemon