“Wow, that milk is spoiled!”
*milk drives by in a fancy car his parents bought him*
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People who say having a dog is nothing like having kids have obviously never been to one of my dog’s piano recitals.
Now taking applications to pretend to be my boyfriend on Saturday and go with me to my friend’s kid’s graduation party. I can’t pay anything but you can steal stuff from their house
why are you as a non alcoholic cocktail priced in the double digits
Stop and smell the roses. Hug the roses. Procreate with the roses. Have little rose babies.
I convinced my spouse we needed more “security” but mostly I wanted a video doorbell on our backdoor so I could watch live streams of our dogs all day.
Cool thing about LA is that I get to meet dogs who are more successful than me.
I am so desperate for summer I’m actually looking forward to wasps.
[last supper]
“Tonight, one of you will betray me for 20 pieces of silver.”
“30.”
“Sorry Judas?”
[sips wine]
“I didn’t say anything.”
I call my office the playoffs because the best performers work longer while the poor performers go home.
No self-respecting murderer is going to have the patience to stand there for the twenty or thirty hours it’ll take me to dig my own grave.
Once, just once in my life, I’d love a guy to grab me, pull me in close and whisper
I’m hunting wabbits.
Pro tip: if you absolutely must speak in court, do not put air quotes around “the law”. Judges don’t like it.
Hey dude that invented the unicycle…
Where were you wanting to go ?
then not go,
then go,
then not go,
then get bored and juggle
Thankful that Five-Fingered Shoes company doesn’t make pants.
me: are you checking me out
librarian: yes
“male healers in final fantasy games are weird it feels gay to be healed by a man”
folks are we gonna tell him about real life doctors or nah
me as a parent
What’d you do this weekend, Aimee?
*shuts off lights & pulls out flashlight*
*acts out weekend with shadow puppets*
chore hatred level:
considering becoming a raw food vegan and drinking straight from the garden hose to avoid doing dishes
I don’t know why a dingo would steal a baby when you can steal cool stuff like rollerblades.
“If you want to lose weight eat in front of a mirror, nude”. Tried it. All I saw was a happy naked woman eating cheese.
Mark Zuckerberg looks like he is secretly struggling to refrain from licking his own eyeball with his tongue.
I bought a white bathrobe and splattered it with red paint just to freak out my neighbors when I go get the mail.
i wanna see the masterchef jr deleted scenes that HAVE to exist of gordon ramsay calling a kid the c-word for trying to julienne a snickers
Mocking commerce students is all fun and games until you realise you have no financial knowledge and you make arguments like “uBeR hAS a nEt WoRtH oF 100B$”.
Waiter: Here is your salmon.
Me: I didn’t order this
Waiter: it’s from the gentleman at the bar
*I look over at the bar and a grizzly bear winks and lifts his glass*
Experts warn that theft in grocery stores is on the rise. Uhh ya, last time we checked charging $16 for a bag of brussels sprouts is robbery.
Shut up and put on your matching Adidas track suit so everyone at Costco knows we’re a couple. Don’t make this weird.
Me: But I’m sweaty, I’m anxious, my heart rate is up
Doctor: This is the 3rd visit I’ve had to tell you I can’t treat being offended online