five mistletoes make up a mistlefoot thank you for your time
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The fact that dudes go on a diet but they call it “biohacking” is so funny to me.
Like if men started knitting they would call it “hyper threading” or “powertangling” or some shit
Why is fried chicken the only food we can buy by the bucket?
Do citrus fruits grow better in the limelight?
If I vaped, I would 100% become a ninja so I could disappear into a cloud of strawberry watermelon.
Lying to stupid people can give you a profound sense of satisfaction, it can also make you president.
when i am in a store i always seek out the dustiest corner and lay my eggs there
I’m not the person to call if you need someone to stop you splurging on 10 new books. I’m the one that will hand you the 11th
Huge increase in Botox use raises eyebrows
I wish I’d gotten my affairs in order before I bit into this hot pepper.
they’re trying to stop me from entering the movie theater with my spoon and a half a watermelon.
I keep hearing “Just be yourself” from everyone. I didn’t realize so many people want me to go to prison 🙁
I want this so bad
doc: “your dad’s been in a coma for 9 days, we’re running out of ideas”
me: “let me try” [goes to adjust thermostat]
dad: [opens one eye]
Trying to watch what I eat again so I just ate an entire loaf of bread with half a jar of Nutella I’d say that’s a good start
My 4-year-old Just ran down the hallway yelling “CHEESES CRISIS.”
Oops. Maybe I’ve yelled Jesus Christ one too many times.
Damn girl, are you my Boy Scout troop leader? Cause you’re making me pitch a tent.
Office morale has increased noticeably since we put a tarp over Dave’s body
Shout out to school music teachers everywhere who made a choice in life to get trapped in a room with 25 kids learning to play the recorder.
My favourite sport is tracking the pizza delivery guy
The only thing you can wish for in this life is that the person you say “I do” to appreciates your Star Trek memorabilia as much as you.
Roses are red,
I love mashed potato.
Poetry is hard,
laminator.#PoetryDay
Nobody harasses you on the street when you walk around wearing a belt made of live cats.
20,000 Tons Of Pubic Hair Trimmed In Preparation For Valentine’s Day
Who called it the U.S. Dairy Council and not the Butter Business Bureau?
I was nerding out to a friend over something Harry Potter related in the pub and now the bartender keeps asking me “what can I get you, Gryffindork?”
I love traveling with my husband because it gives us an opportunity to bicker in new and exotic locations.
Me: Heeeeyyyyyy Judy, good morning!
*scratches Judy’s back, wiping off my Cheeto fingers*
Judy: Hi!!! How are y…..
Me: *walks away*
Caught the neighbor kid teasing my dog, so his mom told me to yell at him any time I like.
I had a bad day, I’m gonna go see if he’s home.
Date: Your eyes look beautiful in the moon’s light.
Me: Awww.
Date: *leans in for a kiss*
Me: The moon doesn’t make light, stupid.