[in front of fire]
DATE: I’m still kinda cold *she looks at my jacket*
ME: Oh! Yeah *I take off jacket & throw it in fire* That oughta do it
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what’s wrong babe? you’ve barely touched your charcuberie
My fear of cockroaches started when I hit one with a rolled up magazine and it held up a tiny ‘LOL’ sign and ran under the fridge.
Lady at my gym is pedaling a stationary bike while eating chips right out of the bag. I’m hiring her as my personal trainer.
You want me to respect scientists. The people who almost killed E.T.
model UN: we follow parliamentary procedure, you can’t just call “dibs”
me:
model UN: also you can only be countries that exist
me: the nation of flavortown declares war on the UN
Don’t you hate it when you misjudge a moment of silence and lean in for a kiss.
Worst police interrogation ever.
Heading to the hairdresser after lockdown like
safety message: make your coffee before assisting others with their coffee
The struggle is real
News Anchor: And now, to report live about this incredibly dangerous storm, we’ll send you out to one of our expendable reporters.
I don’t know who this Rorschach guy is, but he sure likes drawing pictures of my parents not being proud of me!
Some of you never rooted for Godzilla and it shows.
watching shogun with subtitles off so i can feel like just as much of an outsider as the white guy
If I was on the Titanic I would have told the captain “Do not hit that iceberg,” saving millions in the process
Penguins are always dressed in formalwear because they often need to go to court to answer for their terrible crimes
good morning to everyone except people who leave themselves enough time to eat breakfast
landlord is raising our rent 9.5% I think I’ll start burying all of my garbage in the backyard
ME [during sex]: Ugh I love you so much babe
HER: Mmmmmm I love you too sexy
PRIEST: The kiss was all we needed
Her: Feed me!
Me: To what?
4-year-old: Can you hold my rubber ducky?
Me: *takes the ducky* Why?
4: I dropped it in the toilet.
I don’t eat cats and dogs. Dogs are cute and I’m allergic to cats.
*my lawyer leans in and whispers in my ear*
Cats are also cute.
Everyone talks shit about the Salem Witch Trials but there hasn’t been a witch attack in like 300 years.
I alway get the same thing every year for Christmas. Fat
i handle all my disagreements like an adult
dance off pants off karaoke
My neighbor is mowing his lawn.
There is snow on the ground.
[locks doors]
My alarm went off and I pressed the Sneeze button instead of the Snooze button. Gonna be a long nine minutes
My husband’s family tree is more like a rosebush.
It’s filled with pricks.
America sucks rn. I’m moving to the USA!
me: will i go to jail in the future
psychic: no
me: gimme your wallet and empty the register