Engaged couples should register for two of everything so it’s easier to divide stuff when they divorce.
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I accidentally walked into an open mic comedy night in a cafe where immediately upon walking in the comic said “look at this guy he’s gonna leave soon”
Welcome to your 50’s. It’s 11:40 pm, so this should be your 11th pee of the night.
[slides $5 to paramedic]
Me: maybe it takes us too long to get to the hospital & maybe I don’t make it
7:00AM – I am NOT going to lose my shit & yell at the kids today.
7:15AM – Dammit.
Women aren’t that complicated. They just want an honest and genuine guy who will give them insincere compliments they might not deserve.
“why is all our cereal stale?!?!”
my 9 yo says as he puts away the clearly wide open cereal box back in the pantry.
If dogs can eat raw chicken, so can I.
– dead people
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who asked for oatmeal and you have the audacity to give them oatmeal.
I received a survey for a conference I didn’t attend, so I completed it as if I had attended and the conference had been attacked by dragons.
If you can get the pronouns right for a boat you can get them right for a person
“Kids are disgusting”, I say as I blow my nose in a hanky that hasn’t been washed in 42 years.
Socks try to be monogamous but most end up either single or having multiple different partners.
He asked why I put my stick figures on my dash, not the bumper.
I had to explain that it was an actual photo of my relatives.
Interviewer: It says here on your resume you can make chicks laugh, how?
Me [holding a chick in my hand & tickling it]: I’m a miracle worker
who called it a chinese finger trap and not a digit fidget widget?
This morning I fixed the Keurig by violently shaking it upside down and suddenly all the other kitchen appliances started working correctly.
I think the key to happiness is having plenty of money and then telling all the poor people that money can’t buy happiness
me, after any kind of buffet.
Threw some hot dogs and a velociraptor egg into my shake this morning, I’m ready to take on the world.
I draw dicks on my face every Sunday night so my co-workers think I have a social life.
joker: if you kill me, you can save all these people
batman: no, if i kill you, that means that i’m no different from you
joker:
batman:
joker: have you ever heard of the trolley problem
one of my ex’s just randomly sent me $200 for “the trauma he caused me”. this is the only form of apology i will be excepting from now on
You have tattoos and curves?
*unbuttons pants*
You’re also batshit crazy?
*takes off pants*
You listen to Paramore?
*puts on clothes*
*methodically going through sword maneuvers, but with a foot long sub*
Son, one day you will learn these moves just as my father taught me, and my father’s father taught him. It is the way of our people. The way of the peaceful warrior. The Subway.
*uses blood from wounds to write my killer’s name on the floor*
I…will be…avenged. NO! BAD DOG! DON’T LICK THAT! DADDY NEEDS JUSTICE!
Straight friend: Will you sensitivity read my book for my lesbian best friend character?
Me, two weeks later: The lesbian best friend is absolutely perfect. Here’s 16 pages of notes detailing the incorrect things you said about Star Trek.
SPOILER ALERT for “Finding Bigfoot” TV show – they don’t find him. Again.
You know a guy is a creep if he shelves American Psycho with “how-to books.”