[first day as therapist]
patient: i’m in a weird place
me: *petting goat* but it’s cheap
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My daughter wants to be something scary for Halloween this year so she’s going to carry a school fundraising packet to every door.
When one door opens, another one opens, and then another, and another. Because kids.
My favourite childhood memory is not paying bills
me: *signing to gorilla*
gorilla:*signs back*
reporter: how long did it take him to learn that?
gorilla: years
Not having a date on Valentine’s Day doesn’t really worry me…
It’s those 364 other date-less days that are causing me a bit of concern.
Shout out to my buddy who wears a Toronto Blue Jays hat bc he’s “not so much a fan of THE Blue Jays as much as blue jays in general”
Dads love saying, “I can see 3 eggs from where I’m standing that you haven’t found yet.”
Vegans think they will live longer than us, but they don’t realize they are 100 times more likely to be murdered mid conversation.
*Belle falls in love with Beast*
Everyone: STOCKHOLM SYNDROME!! Called it!
*Belle speaks to furniture*
Everyone: this is fine
My milkshake brings all the boys to the yard and they’re like, “ma’am, it’s 100 degrees out here, and you don’t have a proper refrigeration system in place, so we’re gonna have to shut you down”
I wanted to go see the Queen reunion concert but I am just a poor boy from a poor family…
America: OH MY GOD. Some guy got shot in Ferguson.
World: We’re kinda busy with the 191,000 deaths from the Syrian Civil War
*wife offers me a sip of her water*
m: Am I gonna catch what you have?
w: No
m:
w:
m: Are you sur-
w: You’re not going to get my period!
me: three breakfast sandwiches, two everything bagels, four chocolate donuts, and coffee
drive-thru person: how many coffees?
me: one please
“would you still love me if i was a worm?” yes. more, in fact.
you gotta kiss a lot of frogs before you find one that’s a good kisser
Jokes on them. I took 10.
3am
Me: *wakes up for no reason*
Anxiety and Insomnia: *fighting*
Bladder: We should pee.
Stomach: PEANUT BUTTER!
Innocent until proven guilty? Well, guess I won’t show up to court
11-year-old: I folded the laundry.
Me: You only folded one thing.
11: Is laundry plural?
Teenage son gets academic honors every year in school, yet he can’t cut a straight line with a lawnmower. I believe I am being played……
Meteorologist: Dress for the 70s today.
Me: Okay.
My neighbor asked how I keep my grass looking so good
I told him to have a seat, it’s kind of a lawn story
Kesha dropping the $ sign from her name just shows how bad the economy really is
When something at the hardware store says it’s universal, that means it will fit every model on the market except the one you have.
When I was a teen, my parents talked to me about safe sex. I’m having the same talk with them about the Reply All button.
Women and electronics aren’t very similar until they both freak out on you for throwing water on them while they’re in “sleep mode”.
Move over, pizza rat. 🍕 A Philadelphia woman found a groundhog outside of her home munching on a piece of pizza for over an hour, completely unfazed by her two dogs.
I thought I put my 9 year old to bed hours ago and he just casually walked out of the playroom and said, “Think I’ll go to bed now, I’m beat.”
It’s 11:15 pm.
I asked my son what kind of cake he wanted for his birthday…
“A burger cake with ketchup frosting!!”
Meatloaf. He wants meatloaf…