50-year-old drunk bully: “Your mouth is writing checks your body can’t cash.”
20-year-old: “What’s a check?”
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Imagine me riding a bike.
Wrong.
There’s no seat.
I feel confident that the person who created banana Laffy Taffy had never even seen a banana.
*re-dials*
Hey girl, before I come over, did you say you were in a jacuzzi or the yakuza?
[son’s football game]
Other dad: which one’s yours?
Me: I can’t remember. I just wait for him in the car when the games over
Types of Amazon reviews:
9,700 people: 5/5 stars. great toaster for the price!
283 people: 3/5 stars. decent toaster but can get stuck
5 people: 1/5 stars. awful quality, I ran it over with my truck and it broke
1 person: 0/5 stars. useless, I was trying to buy a blender
caveman inventor: i just invented the wheel
caveman opinion writer: here’s how the wheel is a bad idea for mankind
I have never laughed so hard in my LIFE
when I was a teenager learning to drive, I was very concerned about what would happen if I had to sneeze while driving. someone would tell me what to do, and I would be like, “ok. and if I sneeze?”
If I had a bitcoin for every time someone tried to explain bitcoins to me I’d have a lot of bitcoins, and no idea what to do with them.
If you dont sin, Jesus died for nothing!
Shit. My daughter just told me that the handwriting on the Tooth Fairy’s I.O.U. looks the same as mine.
[reading of my fathers will]
Lawyer: and I bequeath to my son $100k as-
Me: heh, bequeath
Lawyer: long as that immature vomit fondler doesn’t laugh at the word ‘bequeath’
Me: he didn’t even have $100k, did he?
Lawyer: no, he just knew
AHHHHHHHH HONEY COME QUICK THERE’S A RAT IN THE SHOwer oh uh never mind, it’s just my hair in the drain
Dad: My mom warned me that nothing good ever happens after midnight.
Doctor: Sir, do you want to cut your baby’s umbilical cord or not?
Want to get really stoned? Commit adultery in Iran.
[lying on the couch, one leg hanging off the side, face and shoulder smashed against the arm, other leg and one of my hands completely asleep] well as long as the cat is comfortable
Hey don’t get mad at us just because Generation X got the cool nickname
If the majority of twitter’s trending topics are any indication of the state of humanity thus far, we clearly need an asteroid intervention.
“Hey, smell this.”
-Me, about to chloroform my feral kids before bedtime.
I always tell my kids that it’s ok to make mistakes just as long as you learn how to blame them on other people.
I’m so poor I can only afford Middle Ramen.
I took a DNA test and i’m actually 17% cheddar cheese now
TIP: Always carry a motorcycle helmet with u. Then u never have to do your hair & u can blame it on safety & the law & stuff.
#lifehacks
I don’t like who I become when I’m watching someone Google something less efficiently than I would myself
I don’t like when they use “late” to describe a deceased person. It’s like give a guy a break on his attendance, he’s dead.
First rule of being Italian is to tell everyone you’re Italian.
(I can say this cause I’m Italian.)
If Jesus loves me how come he’s never liked a single one of my instagram selfies
“Whats your biggest weakness?”
“I’m bad at taking compliments”
“Actually that’s quite endearing”
*Leaps across table, punches him in throat*
“Stupid kid fell in the well again.”
-if Lassie had been a cat