Jesus: one of you will betray me
Judas: *surprised pikachu face*
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Wanna be like jesus, walk on a cucumber, its 98% water, so you’re 98% jesus
“My dog’s learning to speak a foreign language.”
“Español?”
“No, he’s a labrador.”
I don’t want to say I’m naïve, but two women asked me to come to their hotel and make a sandwich, and I showed up with a griddle, bread, and 3 kinds of cheese
Guns don’t kill people. Girls who get tagged in a photo before they get a chance to see it kill people.
Me: we should name our firstborn son Blake
Her: but he’s been named Jeff for 24 years now
*flipping through the cheesecake factory menu*
i love re-reading my favorite book
I set the automatic reply on my work email to “I don’t negotiate with terrorists.”
Now we wait.
“Damn! If I wasn’t already married, I’d propose to myself,”
I humbly say as I taste test this homemade mac and cheese.
Friend: We could to Jurassic Park but there are pros and cons
Me: Like what?
Friend: They have dinosaurs. And you can die
Me: And what are the cons?
There’s always someone who says “must be nice” when they hear a coworker is off from work and like…my guy, you know you can take days off too right?
POLICE OFFICER: “Do you know why I pulled you over?”
ME: “Because you know I love riddles.”
Therapist: What’s the issue?
Me: They kicked me out of Fight Club
Therapist: You want to talk about it?
Me: That’s right
Downside: the pandemic rages on.
Upside: we’re learning the Greek alphabet
Just when you think your marriage is going smoothly your husband eats the last piece of cake.
*hires skywriter
Will you take me back if I stop wasting our money on frivolous things?
4 year old: Daddy do you have any bat cheese?
Me: Bat cheese?
4: Yes
Me: Bat. Cheese?
4: Yes. Bat cheese.
Me: Why are you asking for… bat cheese?
4: For my car
Me:
4:
Me: Ahhhh batteries. You need batteries!
4: Yes bat cheese! 🙄
The worst is that a 27 y/o who wanted to marry Charles Manson & charge ppl to see his corpse had more of a future financial plan than we do.
Marvel, DC, and the world unite to agree on one SUPERVILLAIN to rule them all….
The Guy Who Determines Snack Food Serving Sizes.
Wanted to listen to my audiobook, but didn’t want to get up out of bed & find headphones so my brain was like ugh, there should be closed captions you can turn on so you can listen to the story silently
The dollar tree has motion sensor Christmas ornaments that blast jingle bells in case your family doesn’t already hate you…
[tv announcer] Are you bloated? Tired? Unable to enjoy the activities you once loved?
[me with mouthful of chips] YEAH
I respect perfume commercials being like we can’t show you a smell mind if we just go insane for 30 seconds.
My daughter asked me this morning
if this year for Halloween
instead of a mermaid
she could be a wet ghost.Um, a what now?!
This child was talking about a damn JELLYFISH
Me: can I get a breakfast burrito
Waiter: no breakfast after 11
Me: can I get a regular burrito with eggs
Waiter: no eggs after 11
Me: can I get a regular burrito with chicken
Waiter: sur—
Me: —pre born
WIFE: can you preheat the oven?
ME: you mean heat it
WIFE: not this again
ME: it can’t be heated before it’s heated. don’t give me that look
[1890s guy] I gotta stop looking at my candle before bed
Me: We’re well stocked with the necessities, let’s not waste food
What my kids hear: Yayy let’s eat, every hour, like it’s a cruise buffet
A lot of parenting involves doing really nice things for your kids, and your kids making you regret that decision instantly.
Ask a man if he’s critiquing your work…
Men Who Are Dating say: No, & compliment you.
Single Men say: Yes
Married Men: Try to hide
*looks gift horse in the mouth
Gift Horse: Hey, my eyes are up here.