HELP 馃槶
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me: [tries to spend time with kids. They don’t want to]
[Bed time]
Kids: I wanna do something with you! You don’t spend time with us!!
Finally; someone explained Bitcoin in a way I can understand
Oh you’re a Football fan? Okay then name 3 of their albums. Yeah. That’s what I thought.
I was at the zoo and I did a monkey call to impress my kids and a monkey talked back to me so I did the call again and it did a call, back and forth, just hootin and howling to each other until I made eye contact and it was just another dad also trying to impress his kids
kanye is pretty mean for someone with yay in their name.
When hipsters replaced hippies, we lost free love and drugs and got skinny jeans. Worst. Trade. Ever.
Day 5 of self quarantine:
My all hamster version of The Sound of Music has hit a snag because Maria ate three of the Von Trapp children
A letter home from Burning Man:
“My Dearest Martha:
I fear my vibe may die in this thing they call ‘mud.’ We’ve rationed the last of the freeze-dried mung beans, Pip left our soy-tuna packets in the EV and I nearly consumed a gluten. Pray for me, darling. Pray I return.”
One drink, I feel glamorous
Two, I get amorous
Three, a bit stammerous
Anymore than four, I’m on the floor,
all drooly and hammerous
straight people: gay marriage is an embarrassment to marriage!
also straight people:
I鈥檇 be so pissed if my coworker left for American Idol and I had to cover for them plus act happy.
*Listens to We Didn’t Start the Fire by Billy Joel*
*Adds history major to resum茅*
My kids left a toy broom, dust pan, and mop on the floor.
I’m impressed.
They managed to make a real mess while pretending to clean up a fake one.
I bet before the band got popular, Barenaked Ladies concerts had a lot of pissed off attendees.
In the lobby of an office building in Toronto. I guess to make sure employees are flooded with resentment the instant they walk in the door?
In dog beers I’ve only had 2.
“I’ll catch up with you, I just have to make ONE more joke on Twitter” (How I’d die in a horror movie)
We鈥檙e all McNuggets in search of the right dipping sauce.
Villain: We meet again, Mr. Bond
Bond: You don’t remember my 1st name do you
Villain: Sure I do. It’s uh..
Bond: C’mon this is our 3rd fight
How many mystery writers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Two: One to screw it almost all the way in and the other to give it a surprising twist at the end
What I did to that ice cream is illegal is some states.
Boss: Your career is like a phoenix.
Me: You mean you expect it to rise from the ashes?
Boss: No, I mean it鈥檚 entirely imaginary.
On all dating sites, my profile name is Chupacabra, and my profile picture is a Chupacabra, which surprisingly does not deter men at all.
When you recharge your toothbrush AND change the head on it at the same time……then forget you did it.
It’s cool. I’m pretty sure gums grow back.
if you have a baby make sure you tell everybody exactly how much it weighs this is very important information and people love to hear it
I’m not saying I hate you, what I’m saying is that you are literally the Monday of my life.
team rocket: that boy鈥檚 pikachu is special
meowth: hey
team rocket: we need it
meowth: im literally the only pokemon who can talk
team rocket: that pikachu is so unique no other pokemon will do
Meowth: guys
team rocket: only that pikachu is deserving of love
I either text back right away or never, because I saw your text, replied in my head but forgot to actually type it.
Just put the vaccine inside donuts, ok.
I like it when it鈥檚 raining, because I can hold my umbrella really low and it makes everyone headless.