My package got from New York to Chicago in the same business day. Over the next four days it has traveled less than 20 miles, although it moves every day. I think it is walking here.
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put ‘er there pardner!
*controversially pours a glass of milk*
This chic on Facebook said she ran 17 miles yesterday. Where I live the police would have gave up after like, IDK, 6 miles maybe.
It’s the year 2057, humans are shaped like candy canes from years of looking down at their phones. Striped-clothing is always in fashion.
Me: Gimme that bread, daddy
Priest: It’s Father
How did we decide to go with cockpit?
“thank you all for coming to my crisis” i say as i turn to face everyone in the elevator
I was just in Italy telling Rihanna how I hate when people lie to appear cool
wife: “you promised you wouldnt buy anything stupid with our lottery winnings”
me: [covering penguin’s ears] “he can hear you linda”
I’d like to be so rich I forgot what country I left my private jet at after a crazy weekend
Teaching my son to use social media for the first time ever, since he can’t see his friends. We’re working on the fine art of conversation and how not to respond to every girl with “sup.”
sorry cinderella but if he couldn’t recognize your face without your designer shoes on I have some news
Sorry I said “You’ll do” instead of “I do” at our wedding.
Other kids wanted to be astronauts or doctors, when I was little I wanted to be a horse calendar
Buddhist Monk: thinking is the cause of human suffering so we must let go of the mind. This takes many years
me: you want to lose your mind?
BM: yes
me: and you aren’t allowed to marry and have children
BM: right
me: ah, I see the difficulty
Me: So, you come here often?
Him: …..we’re in my house.
Grandma: do you have to take a little poopy hon?
3yo: no grandma I have to take a big shit.
I’d argue, but it’s like talking to a wall.
He can talk about his favourite Indian flatbread, naan-stop.
I’d just like to share that the Farsi word for ostrich is “shotormorgh” (شترمرغ) which literally translates to “camel-chicken”, and no offense to English, but I think we got this one right.
“I see you’ve got one drop of pee left in you. It would be a shame if something were to… show everyone.”
– Khaki pants
Headline: Oscars stars hit the red carpet
Red carpet: I’m so bruised.
The life cycle of an unsuccessful business:
1. Under construction
2. Grand opening!
3. Temporarily closed
4. Open under new management!
5. Temporarily closed
6. Permanently closed
7. Spirit Halloween
I get Bi with a little help from my friends.
Sitting down and tilting your head to the side will increase your chances of food intake by 82%.
– Dog Logic
[their last appetizer]
Her: I don’t want it. You have it.
Him: I don’t want it either, you…
Me: *reaches onto their table and takes it
Just used the holiday card with your kid’s face on it to scoop up a dog turd in the living room.
When you hear those 4 awful words:
‘Break into small groups’
Sharks just aren’t eating enough people.
Can you people that don’t use your own picture for an avi stop flirting for crying out loud a lighthouse hit on me this morning!