Always amazed when I see people slip guns into the back of their pants. How is that comfortable? How do you not get a weapon wedgie?
You Might Also Like
Me: Now that you’re in kindergarten, you’re going work on being a good citizen to your classmates. Do you know what that means?
My 5YO: Yeah like don’t swear at them and don’t punch them.
Me: … yeah, pretty much
[exam room]
me: *waits patiently*
doctor: *enters physicianly*
I can’t come up with a guitar pun, but I won’t fret about it.
me *stops crying*
doctor
me
doctor: And no more fast food
me *starts crying again*
I’m sorry, I don’t have the energy to walk a mile in your shoes. I’m just going to go ahead & judge you.
The only thing more annoying than vegans who won’t shut up about being vegan is people who aren’t vegan who won’t shut up about vegans
[texting]
Wife: Clean out your bowels.
Me: OK.
Wife: *bowls. The ones in the sink
Me: *chugging laxatives* Damn it.
“Here comes Paul. We better turn red, fast!”
– every stoplight
Hey when I die will you please put my body into a box and then bury it in a big yard specifically for body boxes?
5 second rule? I’ll take a pill that’s been under the fridge since last March
I asked my boyfriend “How pretty am I on a scale from 9.5-10?”
I take my pants off like everyone else. Getting tangled in one pant leg, stepping on the other, tipping over & hitting my face on the door.
spin the bottle, except you have to murder the person it lands on
her: this is a baby shower
KID: Where’s grandma?
DAD: She’s in a better place now
KID: Canada?
“What do you think you’re doing?”
“You ate one half…”
“Yeah, so?”
“This is the otter half!”
Tired: Turner & Hooch
Wired:
ENGLAND: people are CROSSING OUR BORDERS for ECONOMIC ADVANCEMENT!!!
THE ENTIRE GODDAMNED WORLD FROM LIKE 1583 to 1997: u don’t say
My wife just texted to tell me that she killed a spider all by herself, get my union rep on the phone, stat.
Batman: “Shall we watch a film?”
Superman: “Have you got Cape Fear?”
Batman: “Only in revolving doors. Now, a film?”
I hate when I can’t remember if my wife and I are in love or fighting. So, I’m like a minesweeper in the mornings.
Secretly Canadians love it when people mistake them for Amer-
*is decapitated by a hockey stick*
A Tinder app, only you hook up with the best buffets in your town
If you don’t tell me I’m on speakerphone then I’m not responsible for your kids learning new words.
She said “stay up, imma call you”.
i’ve been awake for 4 days
Do I like to live dangerously?
I wrote this without my glasses on so what do you thick
I feel so alive when I watch an object fall and shatter into hundreds of pieces. Not alive enough to clean up the mess though.
cutie flirting w/ me: “Excuse me, how much does a polar bear weigh?” 😉
me, trying to be helpful: “An average male polar bear weighs up to 1,500lbs!”
cutie: “…’enough to break the ice’?”
me: “Haha I hope not, but climate change is having disastrous effects on their habitat!”
Every time I get the urge to clean, I watch Hoarders and I decide my house isn’t that dirty after all.
Cavemen were like ‘kill two pterodactyls with one pstone’
I used to be such a party girl, and last night I went to a concert that played until 11:30pm and I was fighting for my goddam life to make it