I heard the iPhone 15 won’t have any ports or jacks or a screen and it will just be a smooth steel ball and finally we’ll all be happy.
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If you like the song “Red Red Wine” then U B 40.
Give a man a fish and he will think, “what a creepy gift.”
Teach a man to fish and he will think, “My god, I have never known such boredom.”
My son asked me where poo came from. I was a little uncomfortable but gave him an honest answer. He looked perplexed and stared at me for a minute then asked….and tigger???
The setting my husband selects for our ceiling fan makes me think his end goal is to make me fly off the bed
[Describing guy who just mugged me to sketch artist]
“He was literally kermit the frog”
Not to brag but I’m never late for work without a good reason. For example this week my boss is on vacation…
Cigarettes only give you cancer if you let them. It’s called science. Maybe you’d know more about it if you read as many Yahoo Answers as me
Me: *researching sore foot*
WebMD: Dropped the frozen turkey again huh?
Cop: Can you explain how you got here?
Me: My parents had sex and then 9 months later I was born
Cop: Oh got a wise guy here *grabbing notebook* so the stork story is bullshit?
Murderer: What are you in for?
Her: Licking ice cream.
Murderer: That had better be a euphemism.
[during sex]
her: do you want to try a new position?
me: ok, ringo really carried the beatles
her: what
me: hufflepuffs are superior to gryffindors
her: stop
My daughter quickly pulled my glasses off and threw them on the floor, and out of habit, I gave her my lunch money and stuffed myself in a locker.
The hot chocolate mustache stays on during sex
you can do it, they said…put your back into it, they said
Mom, you really should have taken the time to fix your hair this morning.
-my son, asking to be taken out of the will
If snails are so slow, why don’t we ever see them coming? It’s just BAM, there’s a snail.
r/relationships
I (36m) met my girlfriend (32f) at the exact moment after i sucked helium from a balloon to do a funny voice for a buddy. now weve been together 8 months & Im constantly having to suck helium from balloons when shes not looking because she thinks that’s my voice
Do pretentious people know they’re pretentious? A question I would pose to the great Sigmund Freud, had he not died in London in 1939.
I accidentally left my speech to text on while walking my dog, this is the transcript:
“I like your skinny jeans, are they new?”
No, I bought them 15lbs ago
This was a bad idea all around
[gets pulled over]
cop: “sir, do you know how fast you were going?”
[i’ve swapped places with the dog]
me: “answer the man”
[50 YEARS FROM NOW]
Husband: *standing at my grave* I want you to know that after all these years I still can’t find where you put the ketchup in the fridge.
Villian: one false move and you’re history
Me: ok wait does that mean one true move and I’m the future? *eyes welling up* Very inspiring sir thank you
the three stages of a woman’s life:
– the chosen one
– the mother
– solving crimes in the village
Me: *lighting candles* don’t mind me, just setting the mood
Her: *backs out of elevator before doors close*
Before I was married I had no idea I was sneezing wrong.
“Getting fat” is absolutely a legitimate response to “what have you been up to?”
Architect: so for the bathroom-
Contractor: I’m thinking the most smooth, slippery tile imaginable
Architect: hell ya we want that baby to be a death trap
billionaires spent their money on sex crimes and polluting the ocean. such bullshit. with a billion dollars you could probably get Jeff Goldblum to tuck you into bed or have Stevie Nicks put a hex on you. billionaires are so stupid.