“If anyone has any objections, speak now or-
SHES LITERALLY A BANANA
Groom: IS THIS TRUE EMMA?
Best man: I f’kin KNEW she bruised too easily
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Three boxes of the same cereal in the pantry are a sign I should consider using a shopping list at the supermarket rather than just winging it.
King: and you’re sure ALL the horses are helping, right?
King’s man: [watching a dozen horses smash eggshells into dust with their hooves] define helping
Lance isn’t a common name now, but in Medieval times guys were named Lance a lot.
Listen buddy, I never said they were for sale. I just put the “FRESH EGGS” sign in my yard to brag
SOMEONE IS AT THEIR HOUSE!!!
– dogs
Me: I’d like to apologise for my behaviour
Host: No need, you haven’t done anything wrong
Me: I haven’t started yet
Me: “Breath mint?”
Her: “Sure.”
M: “Don’t mean to offend.”
H: “None taken.”
M: “Great. Good to hear. Care for a push up bra?”
Children are our future. Clean burning. Renewable. Children.
Wait, Australia is 14 hours ahead of America? Thanks for the 9/11 warning!
Last day of lockdown: I’m going to miss sitting around doing nothing
First day back in work: *sitting around doing nothing
Family: come play dodgeball
Me: nah
Fam: oh come on
Me: no thanks
Fam: JUST PLAY
Me: *nails 6 year old in the face*
[After losing a rap battle]
“How did he get a hold of my credit score?”
When a person says a book is so good they can’t put it down, but yet, are not holding that book.
This is why I have trust issues.
Next time you let someone here affect your real life, tell a stranger “I’m mad at some online person I’ve never met” then let them punch you
Look, if I have to stop to explain the reasoning behind everything I do, I’ll never get anything done, so could you please just let me finish the construction of this banana cannon
I knew I saw you the moment I laid eyes on you
Candlesticks, for when you want to be stylish but also might need a murder weapon.
When my wife wanted to have a second child – her exact words were “it’s just rinse and repeat”.
To this day that’s still the funniest joke she’s ever told.
Celebrating Easter by looking like I’ve been dead in a cave for the last 3 days
I’m too immature for adultery.
Unwritten rule: if you find an unconscious security guard you have to drag him to a supply closet and change into his uniform.
I watch people through binoculars as a hobby, but the cops call it a felony…
I never knew those were synonyms.
Most women desire someone who makes them laugh and also feel safe, so basically a clown ninja.
If I arrive wearing more than one hat it is because I could not decide & could not bear to leave one or more of them behind.
“omfg i hate him so much i can’t stop looking at him”
“……um friend is that really how hate works?”
#AmITheOnlyOneWhoEnjoys going to “grodge” sales ?
What idiot called it Airport Facilities Maintenance and not Hangar Management?
A deer in the headlights but it’s being asked for my input during a Zoom meeting when I’ve been playing Words with Friends the entire time.
When I call back Domino’s a second time to let them know it’s been over an hour and my pizza still hasn’t been delivered.
picnics are a great way to think you’re hanging out with friends but actually you’re sitting on something wet