HOW TO JOG:
1. Put on jogging outfit.
2. Go outside.
3. Imagine a cow galloping down the street.
4. Try to milk that cow.
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My childhood left me with unreal expectations about how often I would see pies used as weapons.
“I’m a huge fan.” – Peacocks
doctor: i have good news and bad news. the bad news is your wife is going to be a widow
me: [devastated] what’s the good news
doctor: [pulls out engagement ring] not for long
[getting murdered]
I hope this makes it on true crime TV.
You can spend five minutes trying to fish the egg shell out of the pancake batter, or, and hear me out, you can leave it and tell your kids it’s good luck to get the pancake with the eggshell
I got arrested for downloading the whole Wikipedia website.
I told the detective, “Wait! I can explain everything!”
I’m shocked every four years when for some reason everyone I know is an Olympics expert. I’ll go to a party and everyone’s like “Brazil’s sailing team is phenomenal this year”
jesus take the wheel, my smartwatch is telling me it’s time to stand up
Tired of rap songs starting with MC going “uhuh uhuh…One two one two…Let’s do this…” No. You shoulda been ready when the song started.
My wife and I tried for a long time to have kids. Nearly 12 minutes one night.
I’d like to wish a very happy 5th birthday to the jar of salsa in my fridge
My 3yo, who has to have everything read aloud to him, opened a fortune cookie tonight that said, “The path to success lies in taking a bath without fussing or throwing water out of the tub and getting out nicely with no crying.” what are the ODDS
TACOS DRINK A LOT BUT
Is the speed limit the same if you’re driving in reverse?
To avoid small talk with neighbors I’ve taken to checking the mail in the middle of the night like some kinda raccoon with bills.
It’s the weekend, baby! Time to sit in my neighbor’s tree and make bird noises
When writing science fiction, always Google your made-up planet name; 9 times out of 10, it’s an existing yeast infection medication.
Did my parents think they could just blindly support my choice to wear Capri pants at age 13 without there being any consequences?
Thanks, spell check, that’s what I meant: Edgar Allen Pie.
I get Grumpy when I run out of Dopey.
I hate when you meet a new person and you like them, I mean I’m maxed out with 3 friends right now and having a 4th just seems like it’ll eat into nap time
turtleneck: oooh cozy
mock turtleneck: oOoH cOzY
I got banged so hard today I’m still walking funny.
Sure it was my head vs the door of my vehicle but I’m still counting it.
The coins in my cup holder have bonded together and will be the problem of whomever owns my vehicle next.
Welcome to your 40s. Your ability to be sneaky will now be hindered by your bones cracking when you walk.
[80% of bar rescue eps]
TAFFER: this employee stole $150,000 dollars from you, burned your car, and killed your dog. he says he would happily do it again. what are you gonna do?
OWNER:
TAFFER:
OWNER:
TAFFER:
OWNER:
TAFFER: you’re going to fire him
OWNER: I’m going to fire him
[Interview for the cucumber marketing board]
Me: Can we talk about salary?
Boss: Not if you want to keep your job
I just found panties with pockets and we may be overcorrecting.
Oh, you’re with child? That’s cool. I’m with vodka.
*rubs belly*
“It’s one of those new Hoverboards!”
9: Mom, this is just 2 Roombas taped together.
“Don’t be silly. Now go vacuum…I mean play upstairs”