I hate it when I mentally undressing someone and my OCD kicks in and I start folding their clothes.
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I like my men like I like my coffee, tall, dark and left on top of my car
You ever stop and think about how lucky your friends are that you put so much effort and care into the memes you send them
ME: I’m hungry. I think I’ll get McDonald’s.
HER: Aren’t you on a diet?
ME: OK. I’ll only get one McDonald.
me:
table: hi
me: *checks dosage*
Can’t I have to change my underwear cause I blew my nose too hard
Them: Hey girl what’s your sign
Me: McDonalds Open 24 hours
Babies have no idea when one of them is cuter than the other. So you have to tell them
babe can i sit under your desk and distract you with my mouth while you work? *starts chewing electrical cords*
the most bizarre thing about scientology compared to any other religion is that it was founded by a guy named “Ron”
Do-it-yourself home remodeling usually starts in the kitchen and ends in the depths of Hell.
Happy Taco Tuesday
Wanna make a boyfriend? Choose someone who’s still playing Wordle. He’ll never leave you.
Friend: I can’t believe we ever used landlines. Could you imagine your phone always being connected to the wall?
Me, phone always at 4% battery: haha no way
When you think about it, Jesus really accomplished a lot in the four months between Christmas and Easter.
[therapy]
HIM: Should we talk about the elephant in the room?
ME: I don’t like to talk about him
ELEPHANT: Ok wow I’m like right here man
A roomba that swears every time it hits something.
*anna quietly knocks on elsa’s door after olaf falls asleep* do you wanna kill a snowman?
2020 is vacuuming a penny, then a quarter, then a cat.
Doing squats. And by that I mean I’m in the squat position. But really the couch is holding me up. I’m sitting on the couch.
Practice self-care like Medusa, take care of your hair & turn everyone who has wronged you into stone.
Huge nerds we are. Get laid we must.
Trumpy Cat
My wife put toilet paper on automatic purchase and delivery from Amazon so we never run out.
Challenge accepted!
“Finally, Avengers time baby!! Been waiting so long to watch this. Nothing could ruin this moment for…”
[Neil Degrasse Tyson sits next to me holding a huge notepad]
“I’m not gay or anything.”-homophobic antimatter
Everyone wants a wild, obsessive love until it parks on their lawn and sets up a tent next to the shrubbery.
Tonight a woman showed me a picture of her 6’2, muscled up, super hot 21 year old son, and I calmly said, “What a handsome young man,” instead of “Holy shit,” even though I’d had 3 Cosmopolitans, if anyone is looking to hire a diplomat.
A bodybuilding and pastry shop business called John Cena-bon
Looking for investors
My three year old walked into the garage while I was working out yesterday and I may need to rethink my playlist because today he’s telling everyone that “anacondas love honey buns”.
You can’t ask your friends to pack all their lavender clothes in a go bag and come to a secluded cabin and then brand them with an unintelligible symbol without someone getting needlessly suspicious that it’s the beginning of a cult