Christmas adverts: “Eat all the food! Drink all the drink! Spoil yourself! It’s Christmas!”
New year adverts: “Look at what you’ve done to yourself, you fat sack of shit”
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Interviewer: describe a time when you were asked to do something you were uncomfortable doing and you declined
Me: no
Aww you passed out, let’s see what you’ve got in your wallet, shall we?
I asked a girl to “go with me” in middle school, she said yes and then we never talked to each other again. I’m thinking about reaching out to dump her.
I once beat boxed for over 6 hours trying to impress a girl before finding out she was deaf.
When you realize Christmas and easter take place in the same universe..
Monday is a legitimate excuse for biting someone.
*Pushing the unlock button on my car key as I approach the front door to my house
Nah, I ain’t distracted.
Bout to have the best sleep of my life
Parenting is letting the kids fight it out over who showers first while you sneak away to take your own shower without interruption.
Fitness tip: It’s absolutely crucial to take “rest days” when working out so you don’t get hurt. I’ve recently taken over 300 of them.
[high school]
ME: *getting stuffed in my locker* jokes on you buddy, I have snacks in here
me: *yelling at a crazy driver who’s speeding and weaving in and out of traffic*
9yo: be nice daddy maybe he has to poop real bad
I don’t eat some foods.
-vagueans
Calm down white moms on dish detergent commercials, no wife is EVER that excited about dishes. Ever.
Something touched my leg while in the ocean and apparently I can walk on water now
me at age 15: (stressed, worried about prom every day)
me now: (carefree, think about prom maybe twice a week tops)
Me: when I grow up, I want to be an astronaut
Dad: to find all the undiscovered wonders of the universe?
Me (thinking about the many breeds of space dog I haven’t pet): yes, exactly
Got a hot new neighbor, I finally have something to look at with my night vision goggles besides raccoons.
The word “defenestration” means “to throw someone out a window.” Which means this happens so often we needed a word for it.
PMS: Hey, I’m not going to be coming around much anymore
ME: Yay!
PMS: Hold up
ME: What?
PMS: You’re on your way to going through the change
ME: Ahh, I’m finally going to become a butterfly
*seductively tries to take off sock with his other foot*
My brother dropped my MacBook and the screen got slightly cracked, so I’m giving it away for free if anyone’s interested
Specifications:
Age : 11
Weight : 25Kgs
Healthy so far.
Thinking about how dinosaurs ruled the world for nearly 180 million years and then out of nowhere some giant space rock was like okay it’s mammal time
“Morning, how was your weekend?”
Let’s normalize throwing bouquets at funerals to see whose next.
i like how at the end of old movies it says ‘the end’ so you arent horrorstruck by the thought of a fictional universe persisting unobserved
Just what the hell are you juicing with this?🧐🤣
*at bedtime
And in this corner weighing in at 32 pounds is a toddler calling herself the Intimidator. I see she has a “Sleep is for the weak” tattoo on her forearm and has made a strong move refusing pajamas and crying for mommy…
Me: [Alone in our kitchen making a sandwich]
My teeanager: Why are you trying to embarrass me?
Is it possible to be TOO moisturized, I wonder as I slide off the sofa, out the door, and into oncoming traffic.